24 was a hit TV series that ran for ages and starred Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer. The show may now be over, but the great news is we’ve written a sequel!
Set in an alternate universe where there are 25 hours in a day, it follows the adventures of Jack Bore in his incredibly boring life as a supermarket security guard. We’re running out of time! Let’s do this!
25—The Exasperation of Jack Bore
Jack Bore (Arnold Schwarzenegger—Sutherland refused our script and wants nothing to do with us) works in a supermarket as a security guard in California.
He’s one of the best in the business, famously stopping one shoplifter from escaping with 10 tins of baked beans in the summer of 2015.
He was awarded a Medal of Honour for his courageous efforts by the Prime Minister of America (Sylvester Stallone).
However, most of the time Jack Bore stands about keeping an eye on people. Watching. Waiting. Praying someone shoplifts so he has something to do.
But with only 25 hours in a day that’s not always possible. And as he battles insomnia-driven fatigue, it’s only a matter of time before he runs out of time!
Over one disastrous season, this flop of a show would be the final nail in the 25 coffin. Commentators on Rotten Tomatoes would opine:
- BigBapsLover21: “lol this show is shit 24 we’re much better”
- BoobsFan18: “roflmao this shit is show”
- arseman16: “loool this is shite”
- WomenBelongintheKitchenAdonis: “shit lol”
- TrumpIsGreat: “This show is rubbish because of leftists and feminism, if a MAN had written this show it’d have been excellent. Liberals are destroying the world and are the reason we can’t have any fun anymore!”
Despite the savage critique from toxic and entitled teenage boys, 25 was nominated for a Saturn Award all the same. It lost to Sharks and Recreation.
The Best 25 Episodes
To be clear, that heading means the best episodes of 25. Not the best 25 episodes of 25.
We’re not sitting here typing 25 of those. Sorry, but we have to draw the limit of however many we dream up below of this disastrous failure of a TV show.
- Thyme: During a shortage of the herb, Jack Bore is left to pelt around the supermarket desperately attempting to restock the vegetable aisle whilst bellowing, “We’re running out of thyme!” Terrifying customers in the process, he whips his pistol out and begins firing wildly at the other herbs to try and even out the disparity. He’s later handed a disciplinary notice for gross misconduct.
- Bag breakage: A customer’s plastic bag breaks and their shopping spills out onto the floor. Thinking it’s an atom bomb detonating, Bore whips out his pistol and commands everyone to sprint to the basement—three weeks later, the police locate the hundreds of customers dehydrated and confused.
- The One With Kiefer Sutherland: The star of 24 has a cameo as Jack Bauer, arriving in the shop to buy some steak for his dinner. Jack Bore eyes him up cautiously. Bauer doesn’t shoplift. Bore is unhappy. He whips his pistol out anyway and chases after Bauer, who also whips his pistol out, and they’re both arrested for disorderly conduct.
- Store Closure: After a rat infestation, the supermarket shuts for a week and Jack Bore gets drunk and disorderly in his downtime. Heading into a Walmart, he tries to steal a pint of milk but is apprehended. He’s let off with a warning and 100 hours of community service.
- Running: The show’s masterpiece, Jack Bore spends the entire episode chasing after a shoplifter who’s nabbed a can of baked beans. They hurtle across California, with dramatic car chase scenes, pile-ups, a helicopter pelting along keeping track, and the thief ultimately barrel rolls into a lake and the car explodes. Thankfully, the tin of baked beans is blasted into the air, flies through Bore’s open car window, and is saved! “That’s baking!” he quips to the camera, ending season one on a high.