Ask Dr. Moron: “I have a splinter… am I doomed?!”

A pile of broken wood, with possibilities to get splinters.
Plenty of opportunities for splinters here.

One of the most terrifying moments in life is unveiling a foreign body in an extremity. Namely, a finger—this is where splinters typically arise.

Knowing how to deal with a splinter is a life and death situation. As such,  today we detail how to deal with it before you end up in intensive care.

Managing Your Splinter

Disclaimer: We don’t know anything about splinters and we also have no real medical knowledge. Please ignore us. 

Dear doctor Moron. Last week I was the purchaser of 100 logs of wood for a home project. The first thing that happened? I picked up one of the logs and got a blasted splinter!

I've never had one of these before. Not once in all of my 65 years! I have oft sneered down at those silly enough to give themselves splinters, believing them to be of vastly inferior intellect and prone to folly. 

The work of manhandling logs is boondoggle I engage in with little bravado, so you can imagine my immense shock upon observing this thing embedded in my index finger. "Golly gosh!" I announced, "What an absolute rotter!"

What distresses me most is this was merely dilettante. My home project wasn't without elan, but it's primarily ostentatious as my neighbours have been outdoing me of late with property extentions. 

And now a perfunctory error on my part has led to this disaster.

Doctor... give it to me straight. I'm man enough to take this. Am I doomed? How am I going to die? Will it be slow and agonising, or can I expect to be dead by this time tomorrow? Stiff upper lip! Yours, Charles

Hi there, Charles. We did some digging around for you and believe this is likely what’s going to occur to you. Be on the lookout for:

  • Swollen and spongy gums.
  • Loose teeth.
  • Bulging eyeballs.
  • Old wounds opening.
  • Scaly and dry skin.
  • Confusion and fatigue.
  • Perifollicular hyperkeratotic papules.

The above are the signs and symptoms of scurvy. Having a splinter may lead to this development due to it being too painful to pick up oranges.

So, you can expect your index finger to suffer from some slight tingling and pain.

If this becomes unbearable, we suggest immediate amputation with a rusty chainsaw. Or a clean one. Whatever’s available, really.

You can amputate the entire hand or just the finger. Or the whole arm.

If you lop your arm off, that’ll prevent you from getting any future splinters. Thusly ensuring you don’t have to go through this ordeal again.

The alternative is to just wait for your body to eject it from your finger. Be wary of this option as the speed of splinter ejection can be enough to blow your head clean off.

As such, it’s advisable to take more dramatic measures to ensure survival.

Post-Splinter Recovery

Many survivors of splinters go on to lead perfectly happy lives.

However, others struggle with the burden and social stigma of having had a splinter and take years to rehabilitate.

Thankfully, there are many modern care centres you can attend where you’ll engage in post-splinter support groups and therapy sessions.

The affected finger will also receive daily massages.

Friends and family will be able to visit you during this time, offering the support and sympathy you’ll need to return to society and handle logs again.

Best of luck, Charles, we’re sure you’ll pull through this one!

7 comments

  1. I refuse to talk to anyone who has a splinter. If they have recovered, I might say hello.
    Now, if it’s a glass splinter, that’s different. A glass splinter would denote an upper class incident with a Champagne glass. Therefore, a classy greeting would be in order.

    Liked by 1 person

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