Alien Abduction Diary #6: Gamer Aliens Seek Super Mario Kart

An alien spacecraft abducting a cow — Aliens!

Hello again! We’re back with more tales of proof that aliens exist and anyone saying otherwise is a deranged lunatic.

Today we have gamer aliens out to play video games and prove they’re vastly superior gamers to the gamers on Earth. Got it?

Alien Abduction Diary #5: Harold Smithson (91), Preston

One evening, Harold Smithson (a retired former shelf stacker) was sitting in his home watching The Wombles on his TV.

He peered out of his window and was alarmed to see a 300 foot spacecraft land outside his old folk’s home.

Minutes later, human-shaped alienoids smashed their way into his room with space hammers. They pointed at him and immediately started shrieking with laughter. Harold told us:

“They was sayin’ downright mean things like, ‘Look at that noob! LOL!’ And, ‘Noobie scum!’ And they was mockin’ me ‘cos I don’t have a computer game device and that they think I’m ‘gay’ because of that. I told them I don’t play computer game, ‘cos computer game is for losers who need to get a girlfriend.

They started screamin’ ‘NOOBIE SCUM!’ at me and one said he had thirteen thousand wives on his home planet and still had time to play Super Mario Kart. It turns out they really like this Super Mario Kart game, but I didn’t know what it were. At the the time anyway.”

Furious, the aliens immediately abducted Mr. Smithson and transported him to their home planet.

They then subjected Mr. Smithson to marathon sessions of Super Mario Kart, the 1992 classic for the Super Nintendo. This thing.

Mr. Smithson was forced at space gunpoint to play as Bowser, one of the most difficult handling characters in the game.

At first he was soundly beaten by the aliens, who all jeered uproariously at him and called him a “Gay noob!” over and over.

For many weeks Mr. Smithson wept himself to sleep in his alien spaceship room, whilst his abductors continued to torture him with Super Mario Kart. The abductee was often playing the game up to 12 hours a day.

However, after the third week Mr. Smithson began to master Bowser’s strong turn of speed and use the shoulder buttons to hop around corners.

A major breakthrough came on the fourth week of abduction, when Mr. Smithson was able to finish second to the alien planet’s Super Mario Kart champion (her name is Tulip Features).

Astonished, the aliens immediately admitted Mr. Smithson is “pretty decent” at Super Mario Kart and agreed to transport him back to Earth free of charge.

Once back home, Mr. Smithson contacted his son to explain why he’d disappeared for a month. However, his son hadn’t noticed as he was eloping with his mistress in Cyprus.

Irked, Mr. Smithson then contacted the manager at his old folk’s home to complain about his alien abduction.

The manager apologised and also suggested Mr. Smithson sell his story to the tabloids.

“So I did and now they’re goin’ to make a movie about my experience with Brad Pitt as me and they’re callin’ the film 2021: A Super Mario Kart Odyssey. I still think they all need to get a girlfriend.”

Type of Aliens

The aliens are from the planet Noobie Scum, which is 45 billion lightyears from Earth. Noted characteristics of this species includes:

Petulance.
Toxic gamer temper tantrums.
Obstinacy.
Entitlement.
Egotism.
Immaturity.
Sexism, homophobia, and other forms of casual bigotry.
An unwavering belief everything they say and do is correct.

Although the aliens have a love for Super Mario Kart, Mr. Smithson said that was merely the sect of aliens who abducted him.

“Most of the other aliens was goin’ on about Call of Duty and Monopoly were also a big thing for them. I dunno why.”

The alienoids are shaped like humans, but have seven arms and only one leg. This causes them to manoeuvre with an unusual gait.

Alien Threat Level Rating

Other than a petulant streak a mile wild, it appears the aliens are relatively harmless.

However, it’s wise to at least prep for an abduction from this species.

To ensure your safety, make sure you’re very good at Super Mario Kart and have a functioning knowledge of video game lore.

Mr. Smithson may have survived his experience, but that’s due to his cold-blooded nerves of steel, grit, and determination to master tracks such as Rainbow Road and Vanilla Lake 2.