Remember Who Wants to be a Millionaire? That was a good show, wasn’t it? Well, we’ve got one better with our latest spinoff!
Yes, in this take on the TV quiz thing we’re celebrating (sort of) the cantankerous of the world with a chance to make happy-go-lucky people thoroughly miserable. Hurrah!
Who Wants to be a Miserable Old Git?
So, we though of Who Wants to be a Miserly Old Git? for this. But in the end we feel the adjective “miserable” is more universal.
Whereas “miserly” will have inferior working class people wondering what it means. And then they wouldn’t watch the show! Horror!
Anyway, this take works exactly in the same way as the Millionaire show.
It’s a show with a bunch of guests and, after an initial round, an old person is shot up to the central podium with presenter Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Once there, they’ll answer a set of questions with the end goal being to become a miserable old git.
To determine this, there’ll be questions designed to test the individual’s callous, miserly, and superiority complex. For example:
- If you see a homeless man in the street, would you:
- A: Punch him in the face.
- B: Sneer down at him haughtily.
- C: Buy him a sandwich and a new sleeping bag.
- D: Kick him until he’s dead.
Basically, the goal is to prove you’re an empathy-free, narcissistic personality disorder sporting bellend that everyone loathes.
The prizes step up as you advance along. And they go like this:
- Question 1 Success: A monocle to place in your eye so you can sneer down on society.
- Question 2 Success: A walking cane so you can beat any lazy poor people away from you.
- Question 3 Success: A pince-nez so you can keep an eye on any homeless people asking for spare change.
- Question 4 Success: A free online course on how to become more haughty.
- Question 5 Success: One digital download of There Will Be Blood.
And so on. The ultimate prize is you pass all 10 questions.
At this point you get to spend a weekend with a right-wing billionaire, exchanging stories about how everything was better “back in [your] day” and how you’ve just worked harder than everyone else.
You’ll also be provided with a bowler hat and a pamphlet about why Millennials are destroying society by working hard for low wages and supporting environmentalism.
The Very Best Who Wants to be a Miserable Old Git? Moments
Although the show only lasted three episodes before being ditched due to disastrous ratings, there were still some legendary moments.
- Bob From Burnley Scores Big: 65 years old and known to say “Back in my day!” at least 40 times daily, Bob from Burnley was miserable enough to scoop the top prize in just ten minutes! He complained bitterly about this and was also annoyed his bowler hat was a bit too small, which he threatened to sue the show’s creators over.
- Barbara from Bolton is Unfit For Society: Barbara was very miserable after she got the first question wrong, with her answer indicating she’s an off the scale sociopath. Police immediately rushed her off set and to the nearest psychiatric ward as she attempted to complain her way out of the situation.
- Bill from Blackburn Likes to Whinge: Bill left the show grumbling about corruption and how “libtards” had rigged the system so he couldn’t win. However, he still got a free book on manipulating people, but complained about this as he didn’t like the front cover.
- William the Whiner: The moment he arrived on set, 78 year old William began a clever game strategy. He complained about everything. The complimentary tea was too cold. The tea had too much milk in it. The studio lights were too bright (and too dark when the crew turned them down), and he couldn’t understand the host Schwarzenegger. However, his plans backfired when the crew (sick to death of him) kicked him off set.
If you want to see this show back on TV, prove those TV execs wrong!
Send many rambling, whining, grumbling letters of complaint to the BBC and let’s hope through collective miserable gits we can get the show back on the road.