Without customers, your business would not be a success. This is why it’s important to have at least one customer.
But the trick is to have many customers. This way, you can take their money and hoard it for yourself, whilst drip feeding minute amounts to your inferior employees.
So today we’re here to help you get many customers. And we’re doing this with a guide to communicating with braindead consumers.
The Right Way to Talk to Customers
Under the Speaking to Customers at Work Act 1971 (and the Dealing With Dickhead Customers at Work Act 2015), there are certain rules to communicating with humans who don’t work within your business.
“Customers” are defined in the Big Book of Business Stuff 2021 as:
“People who think they need to buy stuff, when most of the time they do not.”
Stipulated under the Speaking to Customers at Work Act 1971, it’s essential you address customers in a kind and courteous manner.
This is called “surface acting”. It allows you to blindside the public with a managed façade of a carefully cultivated persona of caring. When really all you want is their cash.
Tricks to mastering surface acting include:
- Grinning inanely.
- Being nauseatingly upbeat.
- Excessive helpfulness.
- Ending every sentence with, “Have a great day!”
- Being as smarmy AF.
Dumb people won’t be able to see through this façade. Remember, your customers fall into four categories:
- Very dumb.
As such, surface acting alongside your business’ particular brand of enforced customer communications will ensure your success.
The Types of Things to Say to Your Customers
Consider making the following statements mandatory amongst all your employees when dealing with customers (even irate ones):
- Hello: Greetings are essential and “hello” is one of the best our there.
- How are you today?: Predictable but will throw consumers off their guard as they try to remember how their day is going, thusly ensuring they mindlessly keep spending.
- Let me help you with that: Only use this when you really do need to help someone. For example, if a customer only has one leg or something. Don’t waste too much time helping others. They should help themselves.
- Are you sure you don’t want to spend more money?: This is a subtle psychological trick to try and get consumers to spend more. Many, out of politeness, will feel the need to spend more of their money as a result. If they decide to, you can then do an evil laugh.
- Spend more money, otherwise you won’t be allowed to leave the store: If your store is struggling this is a useful term to scare customers into spending.
- Spend more money, we have incriminating pictures of you: A last resort attempt to avoid bankruptcy, this could land you in trouble. But it’ll also earn you sweet moolah.
Feel free to add more to your business’ repertoire to encourage business/customer… “harmony”. *nausea overload*
How to Deal With Angry Customers
Some customers are angrier than others. Thankfully, the Dealing With Dickhead Customers at Work Act 2015 is on hand to provide you with support in belligerent moments.
The Act indicates on page 456 in Section 3.C:
“Angry customers can be exhausting bastards and may make you want to punch them in the face. However, as that is assault it is best to try and grit your teeth and bear with it.
Set up a complaint centre to deal with such issues, this way you can direct customers out of your face and away from blocking your productivity.
Set the complaint area in a dingy room, preferably near the lavatories so the stench of bodily functions wafts gently amongst those waiting to complain. This will help them to mull over their situation and become angry about other things.
Ensure your customer complaint handler is a morbidly obese male of around 35 with a patchy beard. Ensure he smells heavily of BO, has a vacant stare, and generally mumbles his words.
He can use phrases such as:
a) “Sorry about that”
b) “Our apologies about that”
However, if it transpires your business it not at fault, encourage your customer complaint handler to become verbally abusive towards customers. Chide them for wasting your time and send them angry emails.”
Remember to take this approach when dealing with angry customers on social media.
When on the likes of Twitter, customers can become quite pompous as they consider themselves to be above the situation.
Remind them they’re not and they’re pathetic sad acts having a hissy fit. If this enrages them further, block their profiles and forget about them.
The Customer is Always Right?
No. This maxim needs an update to the new adage, “The customer isn’t always bright.” In fact, this is a guarantee.
Use this term to create all of your customer communication templates.
Ensure you talk down to consumers. Patronise them at every level. Laugh in their face if they attempt to reason with you. Use terms such as:
- Go away.
- Will you shut up?
- If you’ve got a problem with that, go and shop somewhere else.
- Be quiet, you precious snowflake.
With these tactics, you’ll enforce an anti-woke business that speaks in a way to customers that they deserve.
Condescending and putting them in their bloody place. You’re the rich and successful business owner, after all! It’s the only way.