Recipe: Deep-Fried Red Wine (For the Oenophile in All of Us)

Two glasses of red wine near to a fireplace
Firestarter.

After our deep-fried Mars Bar feature, we’ve come out with a genius idea that’ll stun the world (and oenophiles).

Yes. It’s deep-fried red wine! Can you believe no one has ever thought of doing this before!? It’s a business idea that creates itself. And you’re going to buy our product!

All About Deep-Fried Red Wine

It’s pretty simple. It’s red wine and it’s deep-fried. This turns the wine into a, kind of, grotesque looking stodge of malodorous intent.

The deep-fried red wine merges with the oil. This is then emptied into bottles and served to unwitting customers, who variously comment about the wine being “corked” and/or “disgusting”.

We’ve decided to call this product Château de Merde.

It has a pleasant ring to it and, we believe, quantifies the nature of our brand within the ideated spheres of marketplace delineation.

But yeah. That’s it. It’s deep-fried red wine. It’s got a Marmite quality, wouldn’t you say? Love it or hate it.

And that’s why we decided to decided to broaden our products to include a huge variety of deep-fried beverages.

Try The FULL Range of Deep-Fried Drinks

Branching out further, you can look forward to the following hitting the market in Q4 2021 to meet our ambitious deep-fried beverages goals.

  • Champagne
  • Bovril
  • Eggnog
  • Advocaat
  • Ice tea and coffee
  • Cheese tea
  • Fizzy drinks
  • Fruit juices
  • Milkshakes
  • Cocktails
  • Petrol

Admittedly, we tried the petrol in our deep-fat fryer and this caused a momentous fireball through the Professional Moron office.

The fire brigade had to come out to douse the inferno.

After this incident, which Greater Manchester police investigated, we were warned not to introduce the deep-fried petrol product to the market.

In our defence, we argued that would result in a significant loss of revenue due to missing a major gap in the market.

The case has now gone to Manchester Crown Court (Professional Moron’s Deep-Fried Beverages v Greater Manchester Police and Humanity) and we await the result in Q1 2022.

Should we win (which we certainly expect to), our annual profits will likely surge by billions are customer surge to stores to get this exceptional drink!

About Our Production Values

Following press reports the Professional Moron team has moved into Manchester’s sewer system to continue producing our goods, we can confirm this is the case.

This was a conscious and humane decision we made so as not to clutter up the already bulging streets of Manchester.

To keep the production are sanitised, we pour industry grade bleach around (and over) all of your equipment.

We also add three litres of bleach to the oil in our deep-fat fryer.

Rest assured, your health and wellbeing is at the very heart of each and every one of our deep-fat fried beverages.

Just remember that these drinks are extremely high in fat and chemicals, which could induce a brain embolism and instant death.

2 comments

  1. You really made a mess out of a perfectly great product.
    What is wrong with you?
    All you had to do was deep fry the wine, and serve it at Operas, Plays and Steeple Chase events.
    But no! You had to drag it down into Manchester’s sewers.
    I’ve had it! I’m going to eat dinner and have a globlet of homemade deep fried wine! Idiot!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Quit your mumbling, foolish person! What you need in your life is deep-fried red wine, it’ll stop you from taking such intolerant attitudes towards sewers. Society’s last great scapegoat!

      Like

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