Following June 2021’s Q1 report for Murray the hamster, it’s time to report on six months of ownership with this terrifying little monster.
We’re happy to inform he’s largely excelled in his position as Professional Moron’s office pet. In fact, we rate him a 4.5/5 thus far.
However, we had to deduct 0.5 from his score due to refusal to engage with bathing sand bought with business budget.
Such insubordination doesn’t go unnoticed! But, otherwise, he’s been a reliable employee and will receive his end-of-year bonus of extra pumpkin seed rations.
Murray’s KPI Hamster-Based Competency
In June, we set the hamster a series of KPIs to master to become a worthy office pet. Below is feedback on his progress.
Pumpkin Seed Consumption
Murray is excellent at consuming pumpkin seeds and does so with much relish. In fact, if left alone with a vast quantity we fear he’d eat them until unconscious.
As such, we must note he’s overqualified for this area. Going forward, we expect him to control this skill set and stop showing off.
Mastery of Hanging Upside Down From Cage
A dismal failure. Murray rarely partakes in hanging upside down and prefers loitering by his cage door doing a, sort of, doe-eyed stare to encourage further pumpkin seeds.
As such, we must admit defeat in this area and recognise he will be lacking in monkey-based skills.
Cessation of Biting Owner’s Hands
100% success! Murray has recognised the error of his ways and no longer believes and human hands to be edible.
Improvement on Sleeping Skills
Murray has mastered his sleeping patterns and is also now highly skilled in nest making and sleeping in general. Exemplary!
Murray the Hamster’s Other Notable Achievements
Of note are his sphere-based athletics. Although please ignore the unprofessional looking link above. We hang our heads in shame at this!
But Murray has shown considerable talent at running about the place whilst clattering into stuff. It is a marvel to behold.
Also, during our recent work trip to Kiev and Chernobyl, Murray entered into the management of another member of the Wapojif family.
He integrated well with the other human being during this period, marking himself out as a hamster capable of charm, wit, integrity, and fluffiness.
Away from this, the Professional Moron office invested considerable budget (£2) into bathing sand.
However, Murray has yet to offer ROI for this as he currently refuses to bathe in the sand unless it’s in his cage, in his hut, and away from sight.
Murray must learn to understand we expect to see him thrashing about wildly in the stuff for our social media accounts.
This is of the upmost importance. We demand ROI.
Murray’s KPIs for Q1 2022
With the above in mind, Murray the hamster must approach 2022 with increased verve and a drive to succeed and work harder.
He has the potential to go far. Indeed, we can see him running his own business one day.
However, before he attempts such lofty goals he must calm his manic lust for foodstuffs. Primarily pumpkin seeds, broccoli, and hamster chocolate drops.
These regularly distract him from his career goals. We sometimes find him standing by his cage door staring into the middle-distance, preoccupied by his hopes of more food.
This is unprofessional, but understandable.
He’s a young go-getter, but easily distracted by temptation. With our tutorage, we expect him to grow in 2022 with the aim of promoting him to Deputy CEO in time for Q1 2023.