How to Be a Smug Motivational Business Guru on LinkedIn

A smug looking businessman next to his laptop, no doubt typing a sug LinkedIn guru message
Type that out, guru! Don’t forget to indent!

When one has gained numerous years as a professional, either as a manager or business owner, one reaches a higher stature of person. Superiority.

Thusly, it is time for one to dispense with one’s knowledge in grandiose fashion on LinkedIn (or StinkedIn, our excellent alternative).

This is not being smug, patronising, self-absorbed, or utterly tedious. You are helping other professionals reach your status of exceptionality.

The Employment Laws on Writing LinkedIn Guru Messages

There are essential employment laws EVERYONE must adhere to before indulging in one’s ego. These include the:

  • Using LinkedIn During Working Hours Act 2010
  • Becoming a LinkedIn Guru Act 2011
  • Prattling On Endlessly About Stuff to Show Off at Work Act 2011
  • Indenting During LinkedIn Guru Posts at Work Act 2012

The final Act indicates one must indent constantly throughout a LinkedIn guru post. This is mandatory. As the Act states, as per page 445 in section 3.A:

“Indent constantly to keep readers engaged with whatever you are rambling on about. Indenting is a legal requirement. You will be hunted down and shot dead by an assassin should you not indent at least a dozen times.

Short.

Sentences.

They drive readers on. That’s even if you are boring them rigid. And THAT WILL SAVE THE ECONOMY and keep everyone working hard and paying taxes.”

Indeed, so it is clear one’s LinkedIn guru posts are entirely responsible for making employees work harder to work hard and prosper.

This is one’s mission in life. And to ensure one becomes a saviour of the world, first one must master the art of paragraphs. Short ones.

The Importance of Indenting

To master one’s LinkedIn guru status, one must indent as frequently as possible. Sometimes if it is only after one word.

The more.

You.

Type like this.

The more.

People will.

Continue.

Read…

ing.

Because.

It is.

Profound.

This way it does not matter if what one is typing out is inane garbage. It looks professional and that is what every other guru does. So. Get. It. Done!

How to Be a Smug Business Guru on LinkedIn

The prerequisite here is not years, or decades, of acquired skill and knowledge. The key starting point is the ego to spout capitalistic spiel.

Below we have an example from a genuine business guru off LinkedIn whom posted in late October of 2021. Behold its glory!

Pretentious LinkedIn business guru content

The problem here? NOT ENOUGH INDENTING! However, maximum excellence for the sheer extent of the pretentiousness!

Copywriting is, after all, an artform. How else would one be able to sell toothpaste, deodorant, or equity release?

To truly master one’s LinkedIn guru abilities, one must follow one’s outline below for the majesty of excellence.

Remember. Big words are not necessary. However, indenting is.

As is turning to personal experiences and then presuming, if there’s a reversal of fortune for one, that everyone else is guaranteed to have a similar experience (so long as they persevere and work hard hard enough).

Only then can you pen something as majestic as this. Behold!

Template Rambling LinkedIn Guru Message

I have a confession. Last year, I was abducted by aliens.

It cost me my job (Project Manager for an elite Fortune 500 company on $80,000 p/a with bonuses).

It cost me my wife.

It cost me my son (because the wife hadn’t given birth to anything yet).

It cost me my house.

It cost me my friends.

I downgraded to a city center condo with only one bathroom and two bedrooms and wondered how to survive off my $400,000 in savings.

Life seemed to be over.

I was at my lowest ebb.

Sitting up until 1 am eating Freedom Fries and watching Seinfeld. “It can’t get any worse than this!” I wailed. And I wept myself to sleep.

The next day I woke up and I’d fouled myself.

I howled, “THIS IS MY LOWER LOWEST EBB!” Then my neighbours complained about the noise I was making and I got a warning from my landlord. I marched into the street, dropped to my knees, and wondered how the world could be so cruel to somebody so gifted.

For one momentary iota, I thought the system… may not just work.

But then I heard Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” wafting lightly on the breeze from a nearby Starbucks…

And I said to myself…  “I should make an app!”

And so I did. I had no training. No expertise.

No hope…

As always, adversity was stacked against me! It had always been this way. Like when my parents fully funded my $84,792 law degree and it seemed I had no luck. Just me against the world!

And I prevailed! And I passed. And then I gave up on law and went to be a Project Manager. And I was fired for being abducted by aliens!

I KNEW I could do this! I KNEW I could create the best app ever.

And so I created Shit Your Pants Ltd.

And I got down and built the app from scratch, with no help from anyone.

Just me.

Just hard work.

Just personal brilliance.

And against the clock, as the $2,000 p/m condo drained my paltry resources.

12 months later, and with only $350,000 personal finances remaining, we launched in Q4.

My app, PurePants, is now THE premier app for rehabilitating DECENT people into SOCIETY after they’ve humiliated themselves by shitting their pants in public.

We’re now on a turnover of $400 million a year.

This can be you.

My story isn’t special.

All it took was a moment of adversity. An alien abduction!

They probed me.

They stole my innocence

They even took my leather wallet!

But in the FACE of such ADVERSITY I did what we all must do.

Persevere.

Because when we persevere, only great things can happen.

Think big.

Whenever you think you can’t ever turn things around…

KNOW. THAT. YOU. CAN.

I am living proof of that. Now, excuse me. Instead of giving my employees a pay rise to a liveable income, I’m going to buy a $40 million superyacht.

Because I worked hard for it.

*Template Ends*

Awe-inspiring, is not it? Like no other story one could possibly ever conceive.

And, yet, capitalism creates such moments of wonder day in, day out. All one must do is tap into it with blue sky delineation and LinkedIn-based ideations.

The Importance of Ignoring Reality

One must now conclude with the above video. This clip displays a baby bear desperately attempting to not fall to its death.

After much battling, it reunites with its mother. Bravo!

How did the capitalistic world react?! By turning this into a metaphor, analogy, and whatever else for NEVER GIVING UP and WORKING HARDER!

LinkedIn gurus across the land turned this clip into a professional message on the need to nevergiveup.

Sure, wildlife experts soon pointed out this person’s drone hovering over the bears was responsible for the mother and baby panicking. But why bother focussing on the finer details when it can fit neat little capitalistic soundbites?!

Also, sure, we mean… as of 2021 Q1 some 63% of Americans were living from paycheck to paycheck. But that’s only over 150 million people.

Not that many, really, and they’re probably just lazy.

They need to be like the bear!

So, LinkedIn business guru in waiting, the early bird catches the worm! Get out there.

Get on LinkedIn.

And indent!

12 comments

    • No! No pension plans!!! Also, you’ll need to complete a three day course, at a cost of NZD $4,000, to ensure you can indent properly. I know you’re an experienced writer by trade, but even professionals can become overwhelmed by the sheer relentlessness of LinkedIn guru post indenting requirements. You have been warned.

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