So, you’ve gotten into a drunken brawl and smashed a “commie bastards” face in? And now you’re SICK of other solicitors NOT taking YOU seriously?!
Well, come on down to Harold’s Hamster Solicitor Firm, the world’s ONLY solicitor firm where HAMSTERS defend your legal rights!
Our hamsters are FULLY trained in UK and international laws and will defend your rights (in between 12-hour long naps and quests for food). BETTER YET! We have a NO WIN, NO FEED policy! That’s right, you won’t be charged to feed the hamsters if you lose*!
*Disclaimer: It will be mandatory for you to pay for Harold’s Hamster Solicitor Firm’s services, with a starting price of £1,000 per consultation.
Our Hamsters WILL Defend Your Legal Rights
If you need legal defence then our hamsters have got your back! In the name of your legal rights, they will:
- Run around (seemingly with an aimless desire) on their wheels
- Stuff food into their hamster cheeks
- Lounge about in bed eating said food
- Stand there without moving whilst staring with savage intensity
- Clamber up stuff with relentless, inquisitive desire
- Only become sociable when it suits them (i.e. feeding time)
Now, imagine you’re facing legal ramifications after drunkenly driving your Reliant Robin into a local off license.
For all the world it looks like a malicious ram-raiding incident. You need legal advice to prove your INNOCENCE as merely a reckless drunken halfwit probably unfit for society.
You’re at court—in the stand.
Thus, defending you bumbles forth a Syrian hamster vastly trained to the highest standard with legal knowhow. This is Bob the Hamster. And whilst chewing through several maize hamster treats, he takes an interest in the judge’s gavel and begins gnawing on it vociferously. This is your legal defence. And it is superb.
Indeed, the judge is bowled over by Bob’s genius. He is SPEECHLESS!
The jury collectively bursts into spontaneous applause at the sheer brilliance of his hamster-based defence.
Your girlfriend, Jane, watching from the back benches jumps to her feet and screams:
“I love you, Callum, even though you keep drunkenly setting our flat on fire! I WANT YOUR BABIES! LET’S HAVE BABIES NOW!!”
And whilst the euphoric Jane is dragged out of the courtroom (kicking and screaming) by several police officers, all you can do is doff your figurative cap (you won’t be wearing one, they’re not allowed in court) at Bob the Hamster and Harold’s Hamster Solicitor Firm.
The judge then sentences you to five years in jail for drink driving and ram-raiding offences.
So, you’ve lost the case and have to face some prison time. Never you mind! Because… REMEMBER! With our guaranteed No Win, No Feed policy Bob will have to go without the judge’s gavel at dinner time.
That’s some consolation as you’re dragged off (kicking and screaming) to prison to serve your sentence for being a thoughtless dickhead.
Murray the Hamster’s Business Endorsement
Professional Moron’s office pet, Murray the Hamster, officially endorses Harold’s Hamster Solicitor Firm.
Murray has worked as an undercover hamster and is a trained solicitor skilled in dealing with barbarous allegations, libel, and pumpkin seeds. He had this to squeak.
“By the legal powers invested in me pertaining to arbitration, allegation, and association, I hereby stand by the hamsters of Harold’s Hamster Solicitor Firm and knowingly would GNAW a great big hole into the sideboard of one of its offices. That is how impressed I am by this legal firm, I would do that instead of, like, lounging around in bed and eating broccoli like a lazy bugger. Granted, I do that like thirteen hours a day anyway… but during my waking hours I would TOTALLY do that gnawing. That is if you can get me off my wheel. Once I’m in the zone, I do not like my concentration broken.”
And with that glowing endorsement, we heartily suggest you all go out into society and BREAK THE LAW. Shoplift. Steal some oranges. Throw eggs at buildings.
And once you’ve got the crushing weight of the legal system slamming down on you, phone Harold’s Hamster Solicitor Firm to have that weight gnawed away. As the old proverb goes:
“A happy hamster is better than a full purse.”