Murray the Hamster: Q1 2022 Report Card & KPIs

Murray the hamster in evil mode
Tremble in fear, mortal!

Following on from our October hamster 2021 Q4 report, now is the time to check on the furry little git’s progress so far in 2022.

We’re happy to report Murray goes from strength to strength as a hamster.

He shows great skills as a rodent and has the capacity to hamster it up as and when is required. Let us explore his advances in greater detail.

Murray the Hamster’s Main Progressions

Murray has been on fine form and is cautious, but inquisitive. However, his conduct is at terms a little weird.

The blue hut you see in the above clip has developed a wobble. It makes a slight tapping noise whenever the hamster is in there.

This is due to Murray vandalising his bedroom through nibbling away one of the hut’s four leg struts.

We’ve charged him £100, but are still awaiting the payment.

The excellent news for Murray was in the form of a tube extension to his cage back in October, which enables him to leave the confines of his cage in a plastic funnel.

Murray enjoys this enormously! But he does have a strange habit, upon awaking, of getting into the tube before violently reversing down it and twisting himself upside down.

Either the hamster is under demonic possession, or he is scratching his back.

We’ve requested he cut out such unruly habits, but he’s currently ignoring us and doing as he pleases. Impertinent little sod!

Murray’s Sleeping Quarter Habits

Also of note is Murray’s habit of changing the destination of his sleeping area. He uses shredded paper as his bed.

However, the location of this he changes at bizarre intervals.

Sometimes he sleeps in his blue hut. Other times he sleeps in the top right, or bottom right, section of the cage. To do this, he laboriously shifts the shredded paper into this new region.

But he never sleeps in the top left or bottom left.

We’ve questioned him about why he’s being so sporadic about this. His response was one of his standard cold, bleak, merciless, dead-eyed stares.

As he terrifies us so, and we wish to avoid our doom, we no longer question his judgement. He’s the hamster, he knows what he’s doing.

Murray’s KPIs for Q2 2022

Going forward, as he rapidly approaches his first birthday, we want to see Murray dig deep and have a clear mindset on his standard sleeping location.

Whether it’s in the hut or on the floor in the top right, he must commit to that position. Only then will he find the true path to enlightenment.

Once he’s mastered his sleeping pattern, Murray will then be 100% hamster.

Right now, we feel he’s more like 99.7% hamster. That final 0.3% is super important and will ensure he’s proper chillaxing as and when he needs to.

Otherwise, the only remaining KPI is to get up earlier.

Seriously, he keeps waking up at 10pm at the moment. What’s that about? Crepuscular as he is, he does often get up at 5pm or so to cadge a snack off us.

But otherwise, we’d like to see him up and about by 9pm. That’s an order, hamster!


  1. Sharing the part about the cold, bleak, dead-eyed stare with my daughter who has been trying to coerce her roommate into getting a hamster. They need to hear from an experienced hamsterist before adoption papers are signed. Cute little bugger though.

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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