If baboons and bookshops are your thing, then Bernadette’s Baboon Bookshop will cause you no chagrin!
Are you a baboon or a bassoon? Find out! Come on down to our bookshop and buy books while being hunted, stalked, and harassed by our friendly bookshop baboons!
Meet the Baboons!
No matter what book you’re looking for, whether it’s Solzhenitsyn’s First Circle or 50 Shades of Grey, our team of largely uncontrollable baboons will help you find it. Here’s our lovable team!
Percy is a lovely baboon—very friendly (most of the time). Just don’t piss him off. What pisses him off? Stuff like:
- Being in his general vicinity
- Being in the same room as him
- Making eye contact
So long as you steer well clear of Percy, you’ll be fine. Unfortunately, Percy assumes the role of bookshop customer assistant and believes the main aspect of the role is charging customers upon sight and flinging dung at them.
Mild-mannered Gerald never met a human he didn’t want to crush between his mighty baboon hands.
When not plotting how to terrify the living bejeezus out of bookshop visitors, Gerald can be found nonchalantly picking nits from his fur.
He also works as the bookshop’s pet baboon, meaning he doesn’t really do anything around here other than frighten away paying customers.
Cliff’s favourite film is 1993’s Cliffhanger, probably because his name is in the title.
Otherwise, he’s definitely the most adorkable member of our team! He once vaulted onto the roof of the bookshop and spent the next 17 hours shrieking hysterically and whooping.
When not doing that, he works as the bookshop’s unpacking assistant, ensuring he stacks books in alphabetical order.
Naturally, he struggles a little there. Expect to find the occasional Jane Austen novel covered in Cliff’s excrement and placed next to Virginia Woolf’s works.
Don’t worry! That’s not literary criticism towards Woolf. It’s just Cliff likes smearing everything (including probably you) in his own defecation.
Gordon has been known to wail endlessly for many, many hours. He’s been described as the Pavarotti of the baboon world.
When not causing tinnitus for yards around him, he can be found cleaning nits out of customers’ hair (whether they want him to or not).
Gordon is a humble baboon and also enjoys blowing raspberries at customers to brighten their, respective, days.
Do note, he’s also prone to pickpocketing. So, keep an eye on him.
Check Out These Customer Reviews!
Not convinced this is the bookshop for you? Then let us sway your opinion with these glowing online testimonies! First, on TrustPilot.
“I was looking for a first edition copy of 50 Shades of Grey when Percy the baboon started yanking at my hair! I told him to back off but that merely enraged him. He grabbed my suitcase and scampered off into the bookshop’s rafters. The shop owner eventually returned it, but it was covered in crap. I was not amused.” Dave
And then there’s this humdinger on Yelp.
“FFS there’s this one monster called Gordon who stole almost all of my possessions! I was trying to find a first edition print of 50 Shades of Grey but the bugger Gordon pickpocketed my handbag and nabbed my purse! I chased him across the shop, but his mate Gerald kicked off this fearsome shrieking and so, I’m ashamed to admit, I panicked and fled the store. Please return my purse! By mail. I’m sure as hell not going back to the store!” Sandra
Plus, don’t forget reliable old Feefo.
“I desperately needed a first edition of the classic 50 Shades of Grey. But after a visit to Bernadette’s Baboon Bookshop, a baboon called Cliff shat on my head. I do believe it isn’t a wise business model to have baboons in such close proximity to literature.” Kevin
Come on down to Bernadette’s Baboon Bookshop today!
Meet our fantastic team, get a cup of tea and a spot of lunch, shop for books, and all with a 67% probability the baboons won’t spit in your face!