Some gallbladders just have a mind of their own. And when they go rogue, they sure want society to know about it.
As with today’s patient. His gallbladder wants to express itself and has taken a course in broadcast journalism.
We’re here to help him convince his gallbladder to embrace its true calling in life—storing bile so the liver can break down fatty foods.
The Life and Times of Gary the Gallbladder
Disclaimer: We aren’t medical experts and we certainly have little idea about what a gallbladder is. For the good of your health, ignore all of our terrible advice.
Dear Dr. Moron. My name is Steve. My gallbladder's name is Gary. I found this out last month when it secreted itself from my body during the night and struck out into society. Gary left me this note: "Dear Steve. Gary here. Gary the Gallbladder. I've had enough of holding your bile and struck up a deal with Lily the Liver, who's taking care of that for the time being so you don't die. I want to do more with my life, so I'm heading out to become a broadcast journalist. Next time you'll see me, I'll be on the news! Best, Gary the Gallbladder" That was in early July. Then in early August, all of a sudden he's got this bit spot on the local news for Bolton. Like... seriously. He's there, he comes on the news: "Good evening. I'm Gary the Gallbladder and this is the news. Tonight, devastation in the gallbladder community as gallbladders are voted the least popular organ in the human body. We go live now to my colleague Geoff the Gallbladder, who's outside Royal Bolton Hospital for the latest reaction. Geoff." And then Geoff comes on talking about gallbladders... I can't say I'm happy about it, I mean what right does he have to head off on his own like that?! I asked the wife and she just told me to stop being such a snowflake and she said I need to stop being woke or she'd divorce me. So that's what I've done. But... well I mean I have no gallbladder. Am I a real man if I don't got one? Cheers, Steve
Hi there, Steve. Your condition is called wandering gallbladder syndrome (WGS) and is becoming increasingly common in society.
Gallbladders now believe they have the right to take up important jobs in society. Many want to cover the news as they’re used to storing putrescent bile, thusly ensuring they’re ideally suited for the tabloids.
Thankfully, WGS is easily curable and requires a diet of nothing but absinthe. Relentless, never-ending absinthe of at least 90% proof. Here’s the deal:
- Drink lots and lots of absinthe
- Enter the realm of DTs—hallucinations and delirium
- Only stop when you’re basically a human cabbage
Obviously, you need to do the above before your gallbladder does a runner. So, you’re a bit late to the party on this one.
Our best suggestion here is you do something newsworthy. Set fire to, like, a gallbladder museum somewhere nearby. Then Gary the Gallbladder will be at the scene and ready to interview anyone.
As soon as he turns up, seize hold of him and don’t let go until he’s forcibly stitched back into your body. Best do that on the scene, so make sure you have a black market surgeon on hand to do the job.
Of course, all of that will be agonisingly painful.
But the alternative is having Gary out there documenting gallbladder-based news. If you can handle that, then you’re madder than you look.