The condition Evil Laugh Syndrome is lesser known than, say, tennis elbow. And yet it devastates many laughs.
Today’s pathetic wastrel likely suffers from the issue, with early symptoms including despicable snickering and preposterous guffawing.
But we’re here to help them out, ensuring they don’t complete the full cycle of becoming evil geniuses or some such.
The Perils of Evil Laugh Syndrome
Disclaimer: At all costs, ignore our “medical advice”. It is awful.
Dear Dr. Moron. Lately I've found myself performing what can only be described as an Evil Laugh. Always at the most inappropriate times, as if I'm plotting something truly awful. Here's an example. I got a taxi to work recently and handed the driver £10 for the £9.70 journey. Perfectly normal, right? Except I went, "Keep the change. Mwwahahahahhahahahaaaa!" Needless to say, the driver gave me a terrified look of horror. Once I was out of the cab he floored it in a screech of tyres. The evil laugh is interchangeable and I have no control over it, ranging between these two types: 1 - Mwahahahahhaaaaa! 2 - Bwahahahhahahaaa! It's just getting really embarrassing. Mainly at work and in my dating life. Like, I'm 33 and looking for the man of my dreams. Recently I met this hot piece of ass and we were talking about our exes, but I kept having to say things like "Oh, I had to end the relationship. Mwahahahahhaaaaa!" and "Yes, my first boyfriend almost met an untimely end. Bwahahahhahahaaa!" But I didn't mean that in a nefarious way at all! He got scurvy because his diet was so idiotic. But the guy I was on the date with just gave me this look like, "Holy cow, she's a goddamn supervillain!" And I never heard from him again. Then at work, my boss was asking how a big project was going and I just said, "We're on track to meet KPIs and launch successfully, but additional manpower would provide considerable synergy to ensure ideational blue sky delineation. Bwahahahhahahaaa!" That turned into a 30-minute debate about my lack of professional and need to tone down my "tyrannical" (his word) "ideations". Clearly, this may well be Evil Laugh Syndrome. Please, Dr. Moron, you're the only one who can help me! Yours, Gladys
Hi there, Gladys! This is definitely a case of Evil Laugh Syndrome. A famous medical case involves the demonic Murray the Skull and you’re exhibiting exactly the same disturbing mannerisms.
Whilst in most cases it means you’ve got an uncontrollable bout of psychosis on the way, there is still hope. And it’s in the form of an old nursery rhyme.
The Wheels on the Bus and the Capacity to Control World Domination
Although it’s an experimental treatment, the lyrics to The Wheels on the Bus are known to soothe inner despotic machinations. Consider these lyrics:
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
Round and round, round and round,
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
All day long.
Repeat ad infinitum. It’s unclear whether this is simply a placebo or has genuine capacity to reverse evil tendencies. What is clear is the nursery rhyme becomes so infectiously irritating it dissuades desires to take over the world.
Consequently, your evil laughing will reduce exponentially.
Certain Christmas carols may have similar results, particularly with Little Donkey.
One patient of ours in Bolton of Greater Manchester spent 48 hours in a field with several donkeys to bolster the medicinal properties. Psychometric tests performed by Dr. Moron later found a reduction in Evil Laughs of 67%.
The patient was so overjoyed he returned home and robbed his nearest convenience store. A huge step up over his original plan of blowing up Ben Nevis.
Give it a go anyway, Gladys, and see what happens. We prescribe the following:
- 24 hours in a sensory deprivation tank crooning The Wheels on the Bus on a perpetual loop.
- Abstinence from alcohol, caffeine, and other stimulants (including horseradish).
Once you’re out, contemplate your desires. Do you feel the need to overthrow anything? Does it fill you with mirth knowing of the comeuppance of others?
If you can go your first 24 hours free from despicable merriment, you should be on the road to recovery. Congratulations!