Few modern classical musicians are as esteemed as Stevenson Jeremiah Windfellow. Few classical musicians also have rabies.
Natheless, and irrespective of, Windfellow is famed for his mastery of opera, virtuoso violin solos, extended piano numbers, and his manic frothing at the mouth.
At but 89 years of age, Windfellow continues to compose the type of compositions that surpass the boundaries of delusionality. And this… is his story.
The Journey of a Classical Genius
Stevenson Jeremiah Windfellow was born in London, in the United Kingdom, and could play the violin by age four months and was a virtuoso piano player at one years of age.
By three he had written 13 complete operas and was performing to audiences worldwide, all whilst strapped to his father’s newborn baby carrier (and in his nappy).
Whenever an audience member would comment about how “cute” that situation was, Windfellow would have the individual ejected from the auditorium immediately and thrashed mercilessly in the street with a belt.
It is of no surprise Stevenson Jeremiah Windfellow soon became famed for his austere, humourless attitude. All of which complemented his musical genius.
He was inspired to become a classical musician when he heard Vivaldi’s RV 580 at a concert his mother attended whilst she was pregnant. Windfellow told the BBC in 1989 the following.
“One knew at that point one was going to be a classical musician, but only once one was out of that blasted prison cell… THE WOMB!”
Stevenson Jeremiah Windfellow has since gone on record to indicate he resents his mother for her pregnancy, believing she wasted nine months of his composing time. He opined to the BBC in 1995 this.
“For nine months one was trapped. That is a betrayal. That incapacity to let her newborn go was what lit the musical fire within oneself. One knew once one was free from those shackles, one could compose freely and become a legend. Ergo, she was a blockade. One has remained suspicious of women ever since. They are dastardly beings. Even the one one has married.”
Stevenson Jeremiah Windfellow’s long-suffering wife, Lady Susana Penelope Windfellow, is forbidden from speaking in public.
She most perform her communication through interpretative dance only, meaning simple conversations (e.g. “Hello! How are you?”) can last many hours.
It’s believed Stevenson Jeremiah Windfellow’s draconian, far-right mindset is born from his incubation of rabies since an early age. His views have brought much controversy and postulation. His most notable stances include a:
- Belief violinists must eat an entire jar of mustard before a performance, otherwise it brings bad luck to the show.
- Demand journalists never look him in the eye and, indeed, wear full hazmat suits when interviewing him.
- Refusal to meet the Royal Family due to his belief they aren’t right-wing enough.
- Refusal to allow any socialists join his orchestra, on pain of thrashing by belt.
- Refusal to let any women perform in his orchestra, believing them to have the sole purpose of “eye candy who clear up the litter after the show”.
- Belief the piano is the work of Satan and an exorcism must be performed prior to any live performance at the venue in question.
- Pachelbel’s Canon in D can only ever be performed after the total collapse of all socialism, meaning he has only performed this composition once—after the collapse of the Soviet Union in December 1991.
- ALL attendees at ANY of his performances must wear a vibrant tutu. Otherwise the show will be immediately cancelled—even if just one audience member refuses.
Stevenson Jeremiah Windfellow’s many demands have marked him out as a “British eccentric”, yet his music speaks volumes. With his operas including:
- The Marriage of Fig Biscuits
- The Barber of Swansea
- The Magic Flu Jab
- Woman Butterfly
- The Turn of the Shrew
But now, at age 89, the great composer is ready to land his magnum opus. He told the BBC in August of 2022 the following.
“One has worked slavishly on this masterpiece for some thirty years. It is a tribute to one’s rabies, which has provided one with the absolute clarity to recognise the vile scum of society, to seek it out, and ensure no corpulent fuddy-duddy ruins one’s career.”
Tickets are now available, with shows commencing in London before heading worldwide. Except for Australia. Stevenson Jeremiah Windfellow refuses to play in Australia.
Rabies: The Opera
“One composed the opera Rabies as one HAS rabies.” Stevenson Jeremiah Windfellow
Critics have responded with shock and awe to Rabies: The Opera, hailing it as one of the greatest works of music in all of mankind.
To note, journalists must write “mankind” (as opposed to “humankind”), otherwise Stevenson Jeremiah Windfellow will sue them for being “socialist scum”.
Of particular praise is the 30-minute oboe solo, as well as an unexpected 10-minute solo from a didgeridoo. Critics noted it seemed unusual to include the latter, considering the composer’s “hatred for all things Australian”. However, Windfellow noted this.
“The nerve of these people! It is one’s goddamn music and one can do what one bloody well pleases!”
However, humanitarian organisations have criticised the inclusion of rabid dogs at performances. These are set loose on the audience, resulting in savaging, blood loss, and much screaming.
Stevenson Jeremiah Windfellow has refused to remove this from future performances. He has taken a step further and now introduced 1,000s of bats into venues, which are unleashed on unsuspecting audience members during lulls in the opera.
The composer has noted every opera has “boring bits” and the inclusion of “depraved beasts” will wake attendees up.
Tickets are on sale now with prices starting at £750 ($1,000).
Book early to avoid disappointment! All attendees MUST receive three doses of a rabies vaccine 28-days prior to attending Rabies: The Opera.