At Derek’s Dangerous Doormats Ltd., we don’t just sell doormats. We sell danger, too. In fact, our doormats are the most dangerous in the world!
So if you find returning home to your normal, boring old doormat a suicidally depressing experience, then you need one of our doormats!
Choose from an outstanding range of high-quality, death-defying doormats to transform your life (probably) for pulverisingly worse!
Dangerous Doormats: No Cat Sat on the Mat
Derek’s Dangerous Doormats Ltd. was born out of the hallucinations of our great founder, Derek Doormat (surname changed by deed poll in 1982).
For over 40 years, our great leader has pioneered violence in doormats.
He was the first doormat creator to introduce the exploding doormat (1984) and the nuclear doormat (1985), ruining millions of lives in the process. It was also he who conceptualised our glorious, era-defining business motto:
“Break On Through (To the Other Doormat)”
This was a reference to The Doors’s classic song, which led to the band suing Derek’s Dangerous Doormats Ltd. in 1986 for copyright infringement. Having lost the case in 1987, our great leader reconceptualised the business with the new motto:
“Doormats For Sale”
Ever since, Derek has been selling dangerous doormats to all and sundry. Now 72, Derek still presides over Derek’s Dangerous Doormats Ltd. with a beady eye of belligerence.
And he’s still a creative genius, in 2022 pioneering the doormat app.
This free app allows customers to download pictures of doormats onto their device of choice, with the twist the pictures are compacted with horrendous viruses that destroy your device’s hard drive rendering it useless.
The millionaire Derek Doormat has this to say:
“Some call me a malicious son of a bitch. Yeah… [horrible hacking, retching coughing fit followed by gobbing onto the floor]… they’re probably about right! [laughs, followed by another grotesque coughing fit].”
The Types of Dangerous Doormats
Want doormats!? You’re in the right place for danger! Check out the full range of doormats available to you:
- Exploding Doormats: The classic Derek’s Dangerous Doormats Ltd. product. This one blows up randomly, with a timer arbitrarily set for a time period between 10-24 months. Or your money back!
- Radioactive Doormats: Take this one home and bask in the glory of watching your entire family’s skin peel from their, respective, bodies! That’ll warm glow will also take the edge off the UK’s appalling energy bill crisis!
- Normal Doormats: Our normal doormats are secretly slathered in grease. Anyone who treads on it at your door will fall to the ground and shatter their skull.
- Ultra-Hot Doormats: Rampaging at a searing 100° Celsius, these doormats will do away with anyone’s feet! Perfect if you’re sick of pesky kids playing knock-a-door-run!
- Sinkhole Doormats: This nifty trick sees the person arriving at your home stepping onto the doormat, only to plunge into a 200ft sinkhole!
- Donkey Doormats: This is a donkey instead of a doormat, which stands at your home entrance. It’s dangerous because it’s a really, really moody donkey prone to munching on spam mail.
All of our doormats are available at highly reasonable prices, starting at £1,000 and reaching a high of £10,000 (the Donkey Doormat).
Get in touch today! A dangerous doormat is only one ridiculous charge away!