Are you ENGLISH!? Then come on down to The Queuing Museum!
Because if you’re as English as we are, and as England-based as our museum is, then you’re in the queue of a lifetime!
That’s right, our queuing museum is dedicate to all things queue-based! Bask in the glorious history of standing about the place waiting patiently in a museum dedicated to forcing you to stand about the place while waiting patiently! It’s every Brit’s dream!
Queue for the Queuing Museum to Learn About Queues
The Queuing Museum is open from Monday-Sunday, 9am-10pm daily. Wend your merry way down here and queue to get into the museum.
Once you’re inside the museum, you’ll need to queue (or “form a line”, for any American visitors) and adhere to longstanding queue-based politeness. You can then queue to attend exhibits such as:
- The history of queuing, as demonstrated by queuing to see a brief documentary as narrated by a posh British person.
- Delightfully recreated queue areas from different time periods (such as caveman days, when people would queue for severed sabre-toothed tiger heads at markets).
- Didactic lessons in the difference between “queues” and “cues”.
- Enlighten on virtual queueing, where you form a digital line while waiting to chat to someone on the internet.
Did you know?! The first EVER recorded description of humans standing in queues dates to Thomas Carlyle’s 1837 book The French Revolution: A History.
It’s these facts why you’ll queue to get into The Queuing Museum, as you’ll leave the place a far more boring (but learned) individual indeed.
While you’re here, don’t forget to visit the Queuing Museum canteen! There’s a huge queue to get to the thing, but once you’re there you can enjoy the likes of cucumber sandwiches (with no crusts) and drinks of Bovril.
Once that’s slaked your hunger after hours of orderly queuing, it’s back into the queues to queue your way to the exit!
Do note, if you do not queue in a line with other humans at this museum you’ll be ejected from the premises. Probably with considerable violence.
Advanced Lessons on Queuing Theory
More intelligent visitors can also indulge in fascinating lessons about queuing theory. Learn about single queuing nodes and the psychology of queues.
Business owner wanting to make people queue more at your premises? Learn how to:
- Aggravate customers with deliberately irritating and bizarre maze-like queue structures segregated off by rails.
- Bend queues around corners so people can’t fathom the vast extent of your queues.
- Learn advanced balance equations and Kendall’s notation to master your queuing formulas.
- Practice queuing theory in our exhibits:
- First in, first out
- Last in, first out
- Processor sharing
- Priority
- Shortest job first
- Pre-emptive shortest job first
- Service facility
- Unreliable server
You can also master the psychology of customer queuing behaviour, such as:
- Balking: Not joining a queue if it’s too long (see bending queues around corners to con customers out of a reality check).
- Jockeying: Switching from one queue to another in the belief one is moving faster.
- Reneging: “Abandoning ship” and leaving the queue if they perceive the wait to have been far too long.
Truly, a trip to The Queuing Museum is a transformative experience.
You’ll spend hours queuing, learn lots about queuing, come to bloody well hate queuing, then queue for hours until you can reach the exits.
It goes without saying we are the best museum in the whole of England! Visit today and queue your life away!
Professional Moron 
Brilliant concept. Pippin Barr created a crazy game about queuing for Marina Abramovic. Google and ye shall find.
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Mercy buckets! The Artist is Present. I shall try and get a review of that thing in, although the game seems pretty obscure. Queues, however, are NOT obscure!
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As some quite well-versed in the art of balking while murmuring “There’s no way in hell I am standing in that queue”, I went to that museum walked back home before I could get in. All in all, a 5/5 experience.
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Excellent! There is NOTHING more wholesome in life than standing around queuing for bloody ages. NOTHING!
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Reminds me of a magazine article we studied while I was a mature part-time undergraduate in Geography with German at the University of Derby back in the early and mid-1990s, by the German humourist, Elke Heidenreich on queueing, German style, entitled „Schlange stehen, nicht Schlange wechseln!“ (‘Stand in the queue, don’t change queues!’), saying that keeping in the same queue tends eventually to get you there sooner, so be patient!
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And there’s Eddie Izzard’s 1996 performance of supermarket queues. Which stays pretty much as relevant now as then: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bStmBB3iZ3o&ab_channel=EddieIzzard
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Classic! I liked the, “Look over there. There’s a badger with a gun!” bit!
That was actually the year I was in Germany, working for a bus company in Aachen for about six weeks. I wanted a way to combine my two subjects so, since I was specialising in Transport Geography under the excellent (Bolton Wanderers-supporting) Rod Pearson, with whom I’d done a WEA ‘Transports of Delight’ evening class some years beforehand, I decided that I’d try comparing the public transport system in and around Derby with those in and around some cities in Germany of a similar population. I picked out Aachen, Hagen and Krefeld, since they looked quite close to each other. Aachen was absolutely fascinating and I went a walk in three countries (DE, NL & BE) in one afternoon while there – which may suit Eddie Izzard’s famous Internationalism! – and one of my Friday evening wanders was around the ring road to the Zentis jam and chocolate hazelnut spread factory.
It was that Final-Year Project that provoked my later involvement in the Derby Bus Station campaign, since I found the station to be quite a ‘positive’ for Derby, despite its disgraceful state of neglect. By a bizarre coincidence, one of our great campaigners was Dot Skrytek of Derby Friends of the Earth – who at one time during the campaign lived in a caravan on the Bus Station roof! – part of whose Polish family own an ice cream parlour in Krefeld!
There’s a ‘Bananas For Breakfast’ Blog post from 9th August 2019 entitled ‘Night Flight’ which talks of my later evening class in French, which I’d taken up since I’d tried contacting Isabelle Morizet (ie., Carene/Karen Cheryl) at her radio show site in rather broken French, so I thought it needed brushing up a bit! Would you believe that one of the members of the class had been the Placements Officer at the UoD who helped me set up my internship! Not only that, but another class member was originally from Krefeld and was amazed that somebody else from Belper had not only heard of the place, but had been there too! I by chance discovered that it was twinned with Leicester, so, having also lived and worked in Derby’s twin city of Osnabrück, I’ve had connections with two East Midlands cities’ German twins. It was very handy being able to get some information on Krefeld via Leicester during putting together my Final-Year Project submission!
BTW, another bizarre ‘factoid’ here is that the School of Environmental and Applied Sciences at the UoD had no fewer than five Bolton Wanderers fans as lecturers, so as well as an adoptive ‘Derbyshire Canary’, football-wise, perhaps I’m also a bit of a ‘Derbyshire Trotter’!
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