Google Bard Stories: The Adventures of Vlad the Impaler

The Adventures of Vlad the Impaler

Having messed around with ChatGPT a little bit for AI amusement purposes (see The Adventures of Celine Dion), we’re back once again.

This time with Google Bard!

It’s Google’s attempt at this AI lark and we’re trying it out. How!? Well, with some short stories about everyone’s favourite stake-obsessed maniac.

The AI-Driven Adventures of Vlad the Impaler

Prompt: Write a short story about Vlad the Impaler going to a shop to buy a pint of milk, but accidentally slaying everyone with a banana due to his tyrannical ways.

Vlad the Impaler was a fearsome ruler. He was known for his cruelty and his penchant for impaling his enemies on stakes. One day, Vlad was feeling particularly thirsty, so he decided to go to the shop to buy a pint of milk.

When Vlad entered the shop, he was greeted by the shopkeeper, a young man named Ivan. Ivan was nervous to see Vlad, but he tried to be polite. “What can I get for you, my lord?” he asked.

“I would like a pint of milk,” Vlad said.

Ivan went to the back of the shop to get the milk. While he was gone, Vlad looked around the shop. He saw a bunch of bananas on the counter. He picked up a banana and began to peel it.

When Ivan returned with the milk, he saw Vlad with the banana. “My lord,” he said, “you can’t eat that in here.”

“Why not?” Vlad asked.

“Because it’s not sanitary,” Ivan said. “You could get sick.”

“I’m not afraid of getting sick,” Vlad said. “I’m Vlad the Impaler.”

Vlad took a bite of the banana. As he was chewing, he noticed that Ivan was staring at him. “What is it?” Vlad asked.

“My lord,” Ivan said, “you’re not supposed to eat bananas in here.”

“Why not?” Vlad asked.

“Because it’s against the rules,” Ivan said.

“I don’t care about the rules,” Vlad said. “I’m Vlad the Impaler.”

Vlad took another bite of the banana. Ivan took a step back. “My lord,” he said, “please stop.”

“Why?” Vlad asked. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re scaring me,” Ivan said.

Vlad laughed. “You should be scared,” he said. “I’m Vlad the Impaler.”

Vlad took a third bite of the banana. Ivan turned and ran out of the shop. Vlad watched him go, then he finished the banana.

As Vlad was leaving the shop, he saw a group of people gathered around a man who was lying on the ground. The man was bleeding from a wound in his chest. Vlad walked over to the group and asked what had happened.

“He was attacked,” one of the people said. “We don’t know who did it.”

Vlad looked down at the man. He was dead. Vlad reached into his pocket and pulled out a banana. He peeled it and took a bite.

As he was chewing, Vlad looked up at the people who were watching him. “This is what happens to those who cross me,” he said.

The people were silent. They knew that Vlad was not to be trifled with.

Vlad finished the banana and walked away. He left the people to mourn the dead man.

Vlad the Impaler was a cruel and tyrannical ruler. He was feared by all who knew him. But on this day, he was also a man who had made a mistake. He had eaten a banana in a shop, and now he had killed a man.

Vlad would never forget this day. It was the day he learned that even the most powerful man can be brought down by a simple banana.

Prompt: Write a short story about Vlad the Impaler stealing someone’s lunch from work, getting found out, violently denying it, then sticking people on stakes.

Vlad the Impaler was a cruel and ruthless ruler. He was known for his penchant for impaling his enemies on stakes, and he was not above stealing someone’s lunch if he was feeling particularly hungry.

One day, Vlad was working in his office when he smelled the delicious aroma of a freshly made sandwich. He followed the smell to the break room, where he saw a young man sitting at a table, eating a turkey sandwich.

Vlad’s stomach growled. He had not eaten since breakfast, and the sandwich looked so good. He quickly snatched the sandwich from the young man’s hands and took a bite.

The young man was shocked. “Hey, what are you doing?” he asked.

Vlad glared at him. “I’m hungry,” he said. “And this sandwich looked delicious.”

The young man was furious. “That’s my lunch!” he said. “Give it back!”

Vlad laughed. “No,” he said. “I’m keeping it.”

The young man tried to take the sandwich back, but Vlad was too strong. He pushed the young man away and walked out of the break room.

The young man was furious. He followed Vlad out of the office and into the hallway. “Give me back my lunch!” he shouted.

Vlad turned and faced him. “I told you,” he said. “I’m keeping it.”

The young man lunged at Vlad, but Vlad was too quick for him. He grabbed the young man by the throat and slammed him against the wall.

“You should learn to mind your own business,” Vlad said. “Now, are you going to give me your lunch, or do I have to make you?”

The young man was terrified. He nodded and handed Vlad his sandwich.

Vlad took the sandwich and took a bite. “Thank you,” he said. “This is delicious.”

He turned and walked away, leaving the young man standing there, shaking with fear.

Vlad returned to his office and sat down at his desk. He took another bite of the sandwich and smiled. He had gotten away with it again.

But he would not get away with it forever. The young man would tell his friends, and they would tell their friends, and soon everyone in the office would know what Vlad had done.

And when they knew, they would be angry. They would demand justice. And Vlad would have to answer for his crimes.

But Vlad was not worried. He was Vlad the Impaler, and he was not afraid of anyone. He would deal with the consequences when they came.

In the meantime, he would enjoy his sandwich.

Prompt: Write a short story about Vlad the Impaler going for a lovely walk in the countryside, but getting really angry when a bunch of hedgehogs attack his ankles making Vlad want to impose harsher laws towards the animals.

Vlad the Impaler was known for his cruelty and his penchant for impaling his enemies on sharpened stakes. But even he had his limits. One day, Vlad was taking a lovely walk in the countryside when he was attacked by a bunch of hedgehogs. The hedgehogs were small and seemingly harmless, but they were surprisingly vicious. They burrowed into Vlad’s ankles and bit him repeatedly. Vlad was in agony. He tried to shake them off, but they were too quick for him. Finally, he was forced to run back to his castle, where he was attended to by his doctors.

Vlad was furious. He had never been so humiliated in his life. He ordered his guards to round up all the hedgehogs in the kingdom and bring them to him. When the hedgehogs were brought before him, Vlad ordered them to behave themselves.

Vlad then issued a decree that all animals were to be treated with respect, except hedgehogs who needed to behave themselves. He also ordered that any animal that attacked a human was to behave themselves better. This decree was met with mixed reactions. Some people thought that Vlad was being too harsh, while others thought that he was being too lenient. But one thing was for sure: Vlad the Impaler had never been so angry at a bunch of hedgehogs before.

The next day, Vlad was walking in the countryside again. He was still angry about the hedgehogs, but he was determined to enjoy his walk. He walked for a while, enjoying the fresh air and the sunshine. Then, he saw something out of the corner of his eye. It was a hedgehog. Vlad stopped and stared at the hedgehog. The hedgehog stared back at him. Vlad took a step towards the hedgehog. The hedgehog took a step back. Vlad took another step towards the hedgehog. The hedgehog took another step back.

Vlad stopped. He looked at the hedgehog. The hedgehog looked at Vlad. Vlad sighed. He reached down and picked up the hedgehog. The hedgehog squirmed in his hand, but Vlad held on tight. He took the hedgehog back to his castle and gave it to his doctors. The doctors examined the hedgehog and pronounced it healthy. Vlad was relieved. He had been afraid that the hedgehog had bubonic plague.

Vlad decided to keep the hedgehog as a pet. He named the hedgehog “Spike.”

Spike quickly became a favorite of Vlad’s. He would follow Vlad around the castle and sleep in his bed at night. Vlad was no longer angry at the hedgehogs. He had learned that even the smallest creatures can be dangerous, but they can also be loving companions.

NB: We made some adjustments to this one as some of the content was not amusing enough (and also a bit alarming—AI can be a cruel beast).

Prompt: Write a short story about Vlad the Impaler going to the disco. Vlad is appalled when some women mock his terrible dancing, leading him to drink heavily, puke everywhere, and get ejected from the disco. He then has an argument with a bouncer on the door.

Vlad the Impaler was bored. He had been sitting in his castle for centuries, and he was starting to go stir crazy. He decided to go out and have some fun, so he put on his best cape and headed to the local disco.

When he arrived, Vlad was immediately overwhelmed by the noise and the music. He had never been to a disco before, and he didn’t know what to do. He wandered around for a while, trying to figure out what was going on.

Finally, he saw a group of women dancing. They were all laughing and having a good time, and Vlad decided to join them. He took a deep breath and stepped onto the dance floor.

Vlad started to dance, but he quickly realized that he was no good at it. He was stiff and awkward, and he kept stepping on the women’s feet. The women started to laugh at him, and Vlad’s face turned red with embarrassment.

Vlad was so humiliated that he ran off the dance floor. He went to the bar and ordered a drink. He drank it quickly, and then he ordered another one.

Vlad kept drinking, and he soon became drunk. He started to dance again, but this time he was even worse than before. He was stumbling and falling all over the place, and he was making a complete fool of himself.

Finally, the bouncer came over and told Vlad to leave. Vlad was furious. He started to argue with the bouncer, but the bouncer was bigger and stronger than Vlad, and he quickly overpowered him.

The bouncer threw Vlad out of the disco, and Vlad landed in a heap on the sidewalk. He was humiliated and angry, and he didn’t know what to do. He sat there for a while, nursing his wounds and trying to figure out how he was going to get home.

After a while, Vlad decided to walk home. He was still drunk, and he was stumbling all over the place. He made it home eventually, but he was a mess. He was covered in dirt and vomit, and he was still angry.

Vlad went to bed and tried to forget about his night at the disco. But the next day, he woke up feeling even worse. He had a splitting headache, and he felt like he was going to be sick.

Vlad decided that he would never go to a disco again. He was too old for that kind of thing. He would just stay home and read a book. That was much more his speed.


  1. In many ways Chapgpt’s responses are formulaic but they still impress me. There is seemingly a lot of creativity here and/or clever weaving of various info sources.

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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