Hiccupping at Work: Guide to Involuntary Diaphragm Spasms

The perils of hiccupping at work

Hiccupping at work is like spluttering at work—a horrifying slippery slope that can lead to bankruptcy, destitution, and living in a ditch covered in mud.

It was estimated in 2022 that the average business lost at least $30 million in profits due to employees hiccupping.

This disgrace to humanity is why it’s good business practice to cut down on this vile practice with severe gusto.

The Laws Regarding Hiccupping at Work

The Hiccupping at Work Act 1974 regulates this industry destroying nuisance. In section 54 (z) on page 14,567 the Act states:

“A bout of serious hiccupping at work will ensure an employee falls far behind with their schedule. So far behind, in fact, they will become apathetic, abandon any sense of hard working professionalism, and become half-arsed in their approach to everything. All due to a bout of the hiccups.

Only a nearby nuclear explosion could be more catastrophic for your business than a workforce of hiccupping employees.”

As such, it’s good business practice to ensure NO ONE hiccups when on your business premises. On pain of death.

Effective Anti-Hiccupping Policies at Work

Eating a large meal (such as breakfast or lunch) and/or consuming fizzy drinks can induce a bout of hiccups. As can sudden and exciting developments.

Therefore, enforcing employee starvation is your first port of call.

Subsequently, you should ensure your business is as boring as humanly possible to conduct any work in. Like, make it seriously, mind-sappingly corrosive to anyone’s sense of enjoyment. This drudgery will, consequently, reduce the chances of hiccupping.

And as your employees begin to starve and, over months, reach a point of severe emaciation, you’ll note with satisfaction your booming profit margins.

The downsides to this approach are somewhat notable.

Starving employees have a limited shelf life and tend to die off after around three months. This means you’ll have to waste budget on recruitment to replace the stiffs who’ve copped it one.

One solution to this is to feed your members of staff once every three months.

Whilst this may result in a bout of business-destroying hiccupping, it’ll at least save you overhead on hiring replacements to (once again) starve in order to avoid the onslaught of involuntary spasms from the diaphragm and respiratory organs, resulting in a sudden closure of the glottis and a hiccup noise.

How to Stop the Hiccups

An alternative to starving your employees is to use anti-hiccupping practices.

For example, once a staff member begins hiccupping you can try some of these out to try and get them to stop with the hiccups already.

Scaring the living bejeezus out of employees is one such option. It’s a common tactic and sometimes works. You can try:

  • Sending company-wide emails naming and shaming individuals for clogging the work toilet.
  • Sending company-wide emails about company-wide pay cuts.
  • Hide poisonous snakes in the company toilets.
  • Jump scare people in corridors.
  • Hike the price of sandwiches in the canteen.

Non-scary tactics to consider instead can include:

  • Offering paper bags to breathe into (these bags can also be put over the head of ugly employees).
  • Demanding hiccupers pull their knees up to their chest and lean forward, like they’re traumatised and labouring under PTSD.
  • Offering ice-cold water to sip.
  • Demanding the consume granulated sugar.
  • Stuffing a lemon into their face.
  • Demanding they hold their breath for a long time indeed.

The latter point, breath holding, is one of the tried-and-tested techniques. Do note, it may also lead to employees suffocating to death.

Again, should they die you’ll need to replace them. This’ll cost you on recruitment budget and will be very annoying.

Breath Holding Training at Work to Prevent Productivity Losses

To ensure productivity isn’t lost, hold enormously anti-productive training sessions involving breath holding techniques deep sea divers utilise.

By spending many hours every working week ensuring staff can hold their breaths for up to 10 minutes, this’ll ensure they may be able to rid themselves of hiccups.

Sessions can take place in the parking lot and, if you see fit, fill a small inflatable paddling pool with water. Encourage staff to dunk their head into the aforementioned paddling pool to hold their breath.

Over the days, weeks, and months ahead they’ll become much more proficient in fending off a dreaded attack of the hiccups.

Of course, that may still backfire and you’ll have multiple drowning deaths to deal with. But these losses will be acceptable in the name of… name of…

*hick*… *HICCUP!*…

Oh, no… oh Jesus H Christ, no! We’ve got… THE HICCUPS! 

Time to hold our breaths and threaten Professional Moron-wide pay cuts on our already borderline illegal low wage packages. Wish us luck! No guaranteeing anyone will survive this…

Dispense with some gibberish!

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