Great Expectations (1839) is an excellent book by a certain Charles Dickens (1812-1870). The 13th work by the literary genius, it’s a story of lowly young blacksmith apprentice Pip who enters London’s high society.

Grate Expectations is the belated sequel. It’s about grating (the metal frame of parallel crossed bars used for a variety of reasons) and the levels of expectations society can have for the, aforementioned, grates.

Over the course of the novel society comes to really that, while grating is a necessary evil, jaysus it isn’t half boring as all cripes.

Grate Expectations and the Harsh Reality Check of Dullsville Grating

Following hot on the heels of the successful Will & Grates sitcom reboot, many a budding author wanted to cash in on the grating craze.

Fearlessly, entering such a realm emerged one Charles Dickinson. Regarding his name he explains on his website:

“Due to the close proximity of my forename, and surname, to that of Charles Dickens I viewed it as my GOD GIVEN RIGHT to undermine his classic Great Expectations by rebooting it with a new grating concept.”

An expansive work, over 600 pages Grate Expectations tediously details the types of grating available:

• Ruled
• Holographic
• Transmission
• Reflection

Charles Dickinson also goes to great (or should that be grate?) lengths to describe the grating installation process:

• Fixing two angle steels on either side of a groove.
• Inlaying the grating into the angle steels.
• Filling the bottom of the angle steel with a cement mortar.
• Bolting the steel grating to the cement mortar, thus ensuring maximised strength of the foundations.

After these opening 300 pages, Dickinson then strides confidently into the central nub of Grate Expectations—what you can expect from grating.

That point is laboured over the following 300 pages in mind-numbing and pedantic detail. But, indeed, what can one expect from a grate? Behold:

• A sturdy floor with which to walk on.
• Ventilation areas for floors (so they don’t overheat, collapse, and lead to the death of all around them).
• A pleasant clunking noise when stepped upon.
• Disappointment should you drop something small enough to fit through the small grate holes.

Grate Expectations is an unrelentingly tedious read.

Charles Dickinson’s work is boring, plodding, and serves no real purpose. It answers questions everyone already knew the answers to begin with.

To whit; everyone knows what grates are for. Was there any need to write 600 pages about the subject? Arguably not!

Reaction from the Grating Industry

Grate Expectations has proven divisive amongst the grating community. There are those who see it as the grate equivalent of the Bible, such is its portent.

Others view it as a cash grab playing on the works of Charles Dickens, written by someone with no prior knowledge of grates and their stupendous contribution to society.

Additionally, the work’s price tag of some £300 has put many a reader off buying it. Its subsequent lack of success led Charles Dickinson to launch a scathing, grate-based verbal attack on the British public. This statement was published, verbatim, on his social media channels:

“It’s a SAD reflection on the mindset of the modern Brit that they don’t rush out to buy a book about Great British Grating. What are they doing instead?! Swanning off LIKE THE WANKERS THAT THEY ARE to eat at Greggs or, worse still, GOING ABROAD to France to eat bloody baguettes and use the grating on Parisian pavements and that is an unholy assault of unpatriotic, even TRAITOROUS, behaviour.”

Since posting that statement it’s come to our attention Charles Dickinson has been arrested for ram-raiding a chippy. His goal?

To disseminate unpurchased copies of his work to fish & chips enthusiasts.