During any working week it’s common for your business to be plagued by a marauding mass of bats. This can be bad for productivity, unless you handle the situation properly.

As such, it’s good business practice to maintain a bat-based working policy.

You can use your guidelines to comprehend how to deal with these nocturnal membranous winged beasts with scary, scary fangs. Read on for the full insights in this superbly well-judged business guide.

The Batty Truth About Bats and Employment Laws

The Bats at Work Act 1974 regulates this matter. As with other animal-based Acts (such as The Hippopotamuses at Work Act 1974), the legislation is aimed at ensuring human beings (e.g. mankind) aren’t subjected to disease outbreaks (e.g. rabies).

You may find your other members of staff have the following issues:

• Why you’re hiring bats, when they provide few serviceable skills to any working environment.
• The potential for various disease outbreaks.
• Where on Earth the bats are going to reside.

It’s important you tell any employees raising the above issues to shut it one. You know what you’re doing! As such, ignore all protestations and go forth and hire as many bats as possible (preferably several hundred).

They’ll make office life much more engaging, enjoyable, and productive (maybe).

In the Event the Bats In Your Workplace are Unplanned For

An alternate outcome is your office is suddenly besieged by a swarming mass of bats. Such an unplanned event can lead to:

• Panic
• Mayhem
• Disorder
• Carnage
• General dismay
• Shouting and shrieking
• Rabies outbreaks
• Drops in productivity

The bats may, for example, storm mercilessly through an open window.

As such, it’s good business practice to revisit your business’ window policy to enforce a “windows shut at all times—even summer!” mandatory piece of draconian action.

Employees may grumble about that, but it ensures you don’t allow unwelcome bats into your working environment. Especially as, if you’ve already hired wanted bats during a recruitment frenzy, it’ll be difficult to discern which ones are the marauding bats and which ones are the ones you’ve hired.

To avoid such confusion, keep your windows closed.

Employment Laws Regarding Batman at Work

On another note, The Batman at Work Act 1974 regulates the nature of hiring Batman (or a Batman impersonator) for your business.

This depends on your business’ need for Batman.

For example, if you’re looking to hire a senior web developer then Batman is unlikely to be a suitable match. The same goes for various other common modern day roles, such as landscape gardening, tree surgeons, and public lavatory inspectors.

You may wish to hire a Batman for an inappropriate role based with an ulterior motive.

For example, if you need him for the following time of crime busting antics then we highly recommend hiring a Batman.

Our suggestion is you hire the Christian Bale Batman, as opposed to the ’60s Adam West one, as he’s the sort of butt kicking superhero type you need at work.

Whatever issues you have, he’ll sort them out.

For example, if there’s a persistent strain of employees stealing their colleagues’ lunches then you now have a plan of action! Get Batman on the case and he can hunt the SOB down and kick his ass!!

Other uses for Batman at work include, but aren’t limited to:

• Ruffing up troublesome employees a bit to get them in order.
• Forcibly removing troublesome employees from the workplace.
• Resolving issues of argy-bargy between colleagues.
• Pummelling workplace gossiping into submission.
• Obliterating tuna in the workplace once and for all.
• Destroying desk eaters.
• Terrorising employees into, finally, using the ping-pong table you bought for staff (so as to distract them from the total lack of salary review processes).

In other words, your Batman is basically a bouncer. Just one dressed up in a stupid costume, using a silly gruff voice, and demanding an above average wage.

But it’s worth it!

Once you see Batman threatening staff to use your long disused ping-pong table you’ll have a smile on your face once more. For one way to motivate employees to do better is to threaten them with a buff superhero.

Key Takeaways: The Bat-Based Conclusion

You should seek to make all types of bats welcome at your business. That includes, but isn’t limited to:

• Flying foxes
• Microbats
• Old world fruit bats
• Giant golden-crowned flying fox
• Horseshoe bats
• Batman

Get your HR department to draw up a policy to welcome the bats into your office (except for the unwelcome ones—remember your closed windows policy!).

You’ll need to find a spare room (preferably a cave) to keep them in.

Once installed, the bats will largely sleep during the working day. Although they may swarm during the daytime when startled.

When not doing that, bats are highly productive animals with no discernible use for 99.9% of working environments (other than zoos). But they look cool and your staff will be terrified of contracting rabies, which is excellent for productivity!