Hippopotamuses at Work: Giant Toothed Mammals Guide

A hippo in a lake with its mouth open
A hippo at work.

As discussed in the recent Mansplaining at Work Act 2022, hippopotamuses in the working environment are regulated under The Hippopotamuses at Work Act 1972.

The large thick-skinned semi-aquatic mammals, resplendent with massive jaws and tusks, are famous across Africa for their bulbous, belligerent nature.

However, it’s increasingly common for them to be present in offices across the west. As such, your business should prepare for the various laws regarding the correct procedures regarding these colossal monstrosities.

The Employment Laws Regarding Hippos at Work

Due to the relentlessly dangerous nature of the hippo, The Hippopotamuses Health & Safety Act 1974 denotes the safety measures your business should have in place when dealing with a hippo.

Section 37 (c) on page 14,555 states:

“The hippo is a wild beast. You can place it in the corner of an office so members of staff may occasionally stare at it and coo in appreciation.

However, this can often enrage the hippopotamus and cause it to rampage without mercy across the floorplan of your workspace, thusly decimating all before it.

Such activities can lead to sick days and/or a need to replace deceased employees. This can be a significant drain on your annual revenue.

Staff retention rates are important, so teach your staff to flee in terror upon sight of an outraged hippo ready and willing to demolish all before it.”

Alongside The Hippopotamuses at Work Act 1972, there’s The Hippopotamus National Minimum Wage Act 1974.

This is in the event the hippopotamus works for your business (for example, as a bouncer or sandwich delivery hippo).

However, it should be noted the intensely destructive beasts usually act as a workplace pet as an exotic alternative to a dog or hamster.

Regardless, you’ll still need to pay a wage to the hippopotamus under The Hippopotamus Office Pet at Work Act 1976. Section (d) of page 34 of 12,455 states:

“The most basic wage is three pence an hour.”

Adjusted for inflation, that’s £1 million per annum from your budget.

As such, only businesses with an impressive budget to accommodate a hippopotamus should consider this option.

Important Instances of Hippos at Work

The first noted hippo pet was in 1972 at a curry house in Bolton of Greater Manchester.

During this incident, the hippo (John) was maddened by his inability to taste the tasty, tasty prawn dopiaza being served to many, many paying customers.

The resulting carnage John caused was on the scale of Alligator (1980). Few survived, but the 37 who did indicated the hippo was out of control and dangerous and would probably have better not being there.

However, in the essential pursuit of office pets and revenue growth, your business more than likely needs a hippo.

Shit Hot Finances Magazine noted in its January 2022 edition:

“Shit! You need a hippo in your office. It engages staff. It engages customers. Everyone needs to know what the hippo is about! Airlift one in and enjoy the shit hot benefits of social media attention, local press delights, and distraught families trying to find out why their loved ones have been impaled on an errant jaw.”

Just be aware of the health and safety measures you, under your duty of care as an employer, must undertake due to tedious laws relating to basic ethics.

It’s your duty of care as an employer to limit the extent of death and destruction in your workplace.

As such, you should look to hire a game warden like Muldoon from Jurassic Park. Once hired, Muldoon will parade about your business armed with a bazooka.

Muldoon will be happy to lay his life on the line in order to stop your office pet hippo from a bit of argy-bargy.

Hippos at Work and Health & Safety

Under The Hippopotamuses Health & Safety Act 1974 your business must have at least one emergency valve in operation.

It is stipulated under the main Act under header 131 of section 141.

It’s unclear what an “emergency valve” is, but the Act does attempt to clarify. Here’s the verbatim extract from section (b) on page 12 of 7,377:

“In the event of bedlam due to hippo, activate the emergency valve. The valve should be under a sink somewhere. Maybe. Just find your nearest sink. Failing that, trigger the sprinkler system. Water generally induces a type of less deranged state of mind in the hippo. If you have any water cannons present, these are also useful.

But do note, a furious hippopotamus is about as easy to control as a donkey having sighted a batch of fresh hay. Frothing at the mouth, delusionality, and a noise the likes of which is largely considered inhuman will be commonplace.”

If you wish to introduce a hippopotamus into your working environment you should consult your resident hippo expert.

If your business doesn’t have such a resident expert, you can either hire one or freelance the role to a freelancer.

These individuals can provide important notes to employees on the animal’s demented and capricious habits, whilst maintaining a friendly and welcoming atmosphere that encourages employees to bond before being severed hideously by wildly gnashing teeth.

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