Tuna in the Workplace: Laws on Business, Fish, and Smells

A tuna sandwich
Every employees’ worst nightmare.

Along with eating apples at work, bringing tuna into the workplace is one of the most controversial actions any employee can take.

Indeed, an innocuous seeming tuna sandwich is enough to reduce even the most harmonious office into total bedlam.

As such, it’s good business practice to establish strict policies in handling tuna in your working environment. Here’s how to do that.

Tuna Employment Laws at Work

Tuna at work is governed by the Tuna Foodstuffs in the Workplace Act 1972, an umbrella Act that also facilitates and supports the:

  • Tinned Tuna at Work Act 1974
    • And, by extension, the Using Tin Openers for Tinned Foodstuffs at Work Act 1972
    • The Using Tin Openers for Tinned Tuna at Work Act 1974
    • Also, the Opening Tins of Tuna Properly Health & Safety at Work (Miscellaneous) Act 1974
    • The Tinned Tuna and Tinned Fish Goods Protection Act 1991
    • And, finally, the Dispensing of Tins of Tuna at Work Act 2002 (in relation to the Using Tin Openers for Tinned Foodstuffs at Work Act 1972)
  • Tuna Sandwiches at Work Act 1974
  • Healthy Tuna Lettuce Wraps at Work Act 1991
  • The Eating Fish at Work Act 1992
  • The Eating Seafood at Work Act 1992
  • Tuna Niçoise Protein Pot (and Miscellaneous Fish-Based Protein) at Work Act 1992
  • Tuna on Pizzas At Work (Miscellaneous Fish) Act 2010
  • The Fish at Work Act 2010 
    • And, by extension, the Consuming Fish at Work Act 2010
    • The Fish Finger Act 2010
    • The Eating Fish Finger Butties at Work Act 2010
  • Tuna, Fish, Seafood, and All Other Aquatic Wildlife (and Consumption Thereof) Act 2010
  • The Crab Cakes at Work Act 2010
  • Eating Tuna at Work Equality Act 2010

The final act seeks to protect the rights of tuna fish and employees (fishy ones or otherwise) and their rights to be consumed at work (and the right to consume tuna at work).

The Tuna Foodstuffs in the Workplace Act 1972 states on page 3,015 in section 337b:

“Employees who consume tuna at work must observe issues of stench and determine whether the tuna smells too much to be consumed in the workplace.

If the smell is too strong to the extent it annoys other employees, as the employer you have the right to perform a lobotomy on your tuna consuming employee.

The lobotomy must be performed by a qualified doctor (and not, for example, Jeff the janitor) with the aim of altering the employee’s thoughts away from desiring tuna.”

It’s good business practice to avoid opening a tin of tuna near to an employee during a lobotomy, due to the risk of infection and/or psychotic meltdown.

Fishing at Work

Do note, it’s advisable to ensure your employees don’t begin fishing whilst at work. This can result in a drop of productivity.

In turn, this means your CEO may not earn £50 million p/a, instead falling to £49.999999 million p/a and spoiling his plans to buy a superyacht.

This is a disaster you don’t want tuna to be responsible for.

As such, ban all fishing in the office and remove all fishing rods from the premises as soon as humanly possible.

Furthermore, stab anyone who dares question your anti-fishing policy. Usually a really, really, really sharp knife to do that. That’ll teach them!

Your Tuna Sandwich at Work Policy

Do note, your employees are lazy and feckless. They’re also poor due to laziness (and not you underpaying them or anything), so you may need to accommodate their requirements for cheap fish.

Tuna is one such requirement. It’s cheap. It’s fish.

And this means employees will want to combine the foodstuff with bread to slake any working class needs to indulge in starvation.

Whilst the stench of this tuna may be unpalatable, under the Tinned Tuna at Work Act 1974 (and by extension the Dispensing of Tins of Tuna at Work Act 2002) you must ensure tinned tuna is openable whilst on your property.

Should an employee fail to open a tin of tuna in your workplace, under the Eating Tuna at Work Equality Act 2010 you’ll be liable for an employment tribunal due to a gross breach of human rights.

In the Eating Fish at Work Act 1992, section 334 (a) on page 37,000 indicates:

“Eating fish at work is a legal obligation employers must commit to their employees in order to prevent starvation, death, and some bouts of scurvy.”

As such, you should allow the eating of fish and provide tin openers.

Good tin openers, too, rather than those dodgy ones that barely get a tin of baked beans open. You know?

It’s good business practice to stock excellent tin openers in your working environment, thusly ensuring no employees are frustrated and/or dead due to malnutrition.

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