Inspired by the glorious wonder of Willy’s Chocolate Experience fiasco up in Glasgow this week, Professional Moron is PROUD to announce the opening ceremony for Mr. Wapojif’s WONDERLAND of FANTASTICAL AMAZINGNESS!!! 🖼️🎨🚦

At ONLY £155 ENTRY, you and your family can attend a FANTASTICAL arena of amazingness spread across two giant rooms.

The fantastical amazingness!? The rooms have traffic cones in them! But these aren’t any old traffic cones!

Family & Friends are Welcome at This Museum That Underdelivers Enormously

Come one, come all! We have four fantastic interior rooms to behold. And they are SPECTACULAR! Check out the artist’s impressions below.

Do note, we used AI to generate these images. However, we can 100% CONFIRM AND GUARANTEE the rooms (once complete by tomorrow) will look about 61% similar to the below.

Not happy at the end of the trip?! Then you’ll get a free Easter egg… COMPLETELY FREE (as opposed to partially free). BOOK YOUR TICKETS TO THIS AWESOME NOW!

Room One: Traffic Cones!

The main room has the potential to look like the above! So far we’ve only got 10 traffic cones, but we’re stealing a bunch tonight on a drunken bender so expect a great deal more soon.

We can 100% MILLION GUARANTEE by this weekend the main room will look exactly as above. And your kids will bloody love it!

Room Two: The Donkey Colosseum

Giant traffic cones! A giant donkey called Harold! What could be better!?

Fear not, though, for Harold is a jovial monstrosity of a beast. You can feed him bread and pat him on the head. He’ll eeor, but he would slay you or consume you whole. Be kind to Harold and he’ll appreciate it.

Do note, however, his dung reeks the place out something rotten.

You may wish to pass through the Donkey Colosseum at a pace so you can find yourself in more salubrious locales.

Room Three: Beelzebub Annihilating Traffic Cones (and humanity)

The Beelzebub room is famous for having Beelzebub in it. While a most psychotic and unpleasant character you shall never meet again, he’s capacity to create raging infernos and other such immolation is a joy to behold.

Swoon in wonder at the destruction! Ooh! Ahh!

It’s like fireworks, but with the real-life threat of being incinerated to death by the Dark Lord of Hell at any moment. So, if that’s a bit too much for you then scurry on into…

Room Four: The Giraffe Emporium

Giraffes, eh? Once you enter the room you’ll notice Lucy, who ISN’T stuck in the giant traffic cone. She just lives there. It’s here home and she likes sticking her head out of the top bit.

The others like to put on dance displays for visitors.

That’s great and everything, just be very careful not to be trampled by the clumsy buggers. Our top tip? Scarper through this room as fast as possible! It’s too dangerous to hang around for more than a few minutes.

Exterior One: Demented Weightlifters

Once out back of the “museum” you reach one of the highlights. BUFF men doing BUFF men stuff! These giant monstrosities may be repulsive, but they can lift heavy stuff and that’s impressive.

Plus, you don’t have to stare at their gurning, idiotic faces! That’s because they’ve got the decency to put traffic cones over their grotesque mugs.

While that’s great and everything, please remember to not approach or try to talk to these weirdos. They aren’t very friendly.

Exterior Two: Bombastic Bodybuilders

More bodybuilders… and these ones DON’T have traffic cones over their heads as they’re raging egomaniacs convinced of their excessive handsomeness.

If you’re a woman passing through this area, expect to be bombarded with wolf whistling and chat up lines such as:

• CAN I GET YOUR NUMBER SWEETHEART!?
• OI OI!

It’s up to you whether you want to date one of these freaks of nature or not. But it would be a pleasant way to round off your tour of the “museum”, eh?!

Notes on Refunds

Mr. Wapojif’s WONDERLAND of FANTASTICAL AMAZINGNESS!!! 🖼️🎨🚦 has a no refunds policy. This means the following:

• We have a refund policy.
• The refund policy is you won’t get a refund.

Our stance on this is simple. You’ve attended a venue where there’s a giant donkey, a rampaging Beelzebub, and more traffic cones than the eye can see.

If you’re not satisfied by this incredible visual experience, then our message to you is this… 🖕.