Human males wearing bobble hats is, arguably, the greatest threat to civilised society since men started wearing their hair long in the 1970s.

Bobble hats are now so readily available anyone can own one in a matter of minutes! All you have to do is go to a local store and buy some. This is a disgusting state of affairs.

But imagine the personal anguish of a human female whom is married to a bobble hat sporting human male. Such unknown terrors are difficult to fathom, but we’ll attempt to restore equilibrium here today.

Jail For the Husbands Whom Wear Bobble Hats?

Dear agony aunt,

My husband Raymond (“Ray”) is 46. He’s taken to wearing bobble hats during the colder months. I’m not sure if this is his way of “coming out” as gay, or he’s abandoning his masculine sensibilities for other reasons, or he’s just had one beer too many and depleted a big bunch of his brain cells. Either way, he’s started wearing them all the time.

I have many problems with men wearing bobble hats. These include:

• Bobble hats are for women (such as me!)
• Men wearing bobble hats isn’t very manly
• Sales of better types of hats (such as baseball caps) will plummet
• Bobble hats endorse bobble hat wearing acceptance amongst men and, therefore, further bobble hat wearing

Where will it end? Today it’s my husband and his mate Frank. In 10 months it’ll be 70% of the male population of England! All of them congregating in the street to do Bobble Hat Dances… okay, I’m catastrophising. Yet what other future do you foresee!? They’re do their dances and they’ll chant at the same time:

“Blokes in bobble hats!
Blokes in bobble hats!
Blokes in bobble hats!”

Over and over. We shan’t be able to sleep at night because of all the chanting! This is a national crisis and I’m ashamed my husband is part of the problem. What should I do?

Yours, Mildred

Mildred… truthfully, we’re fond of a good bobble hat. They’re cool.

Your attempt to quash the human male bobble hat revolution is duly noted and cause for concern. This is miserable, moribund, and misanthropic misandry at its most menacing and we shan’t stand for it.

We’ve forwarded your details to The Bobble Hat Protection Agency (BHPA).

This is an organisation that protects the vested interests of bobble hats, their owners, and bobble hat wearers—particularly poor and defenceless men who have no way of defending themselves from woman criticising their fashion sense.

You’re a bully, Mildred.

There’s no polite way of putting it, we’re afraid, and we have some stark demands for you regarding this matter:

• Leave your husband be.
• Let him wear bobble hats as and when he pleases.
• Back the hell off, woman!

It’s International Men Wearing Bobble Hats Day this April. We suggest you show solidarity with him, and the rest of mankind, by letting him attend the major conference in London.

There he’ll be at one with other bobble hat wearing human males.

Together they can genuflect, hug, cry it out, engage in bobble hat knitting workshops, and distribute aggressively worded leaflets about wearing hats with a bobble on top.

Don’t deny him his RIGHT to his masculinity, Mildred.

Don’t be that person. 🟡