Hi there. I’m Derek. I’m a security guard and this is my career page for you, my future employer! Hello! I’m a security guard.

I sneeze a lot, too! Haha. It’s my thing. My “gimmick” (if you will). But you don’t need to worry about that. You need to worry about my questionable track record of being a security guard!

Not that I’ll be mentioning that during my interview. That’s on a “need to know” basis. I don’t spill the beans willingly! But let’s just say there was this one time, a tragic day, in 2016 when I accused an old lady of stealing 300lbs worth of tinned produce from a supermarket where I was working. Turns out she was just there to buy some candy for her granddaughter. I accused here of being a mastermind criminal. I got sacked.

Sadly, potentially due to a nervous affliction, I have a habit of accusing shoppers of stealing things they haven’t stolen. That and my sneezing tic. It’s a bit like Tourette’s syndrome, but with sneezing. Anyway, here’s my career history!

The Sneezing Security Guard’s Career History

Here are examples of my superb career details so far:

• 2003-2010: Serving prison sentence for drink driving, petty theft, common assault, tax fraud, unpaid parking tickets, and ram-raiding an off-licence.
• 2011-2012: Released for “good behaviour” (i.e. the prison had run out of room so I was allowed back into society to make space for more psychotic convicts).
• 2013-present: Working as a security guard for various businesses. During this time, I may, or may not, have been fired from various roles for incompetence.

I developed an allergy at some point and also started sneezing like crazy. On average, I sneeze around 2,345 times a day.

Many people find this very annoying. It’s, arguably, another reason why I was released from prison (despite committing some heinous crimes).

About My Sneezing on the Job

As many people have noted, sneezing at work can prove fatal. I try my best not to put people’s lives on the line. However, as a security guard it’s my job to DESTROY all petty theft, ANNIHILATE all criminals, and MURDER anyone who dares to so much as steal a SINGLE GRAPE from a supermarket where I work.

This demented commitment to guarding security has made me, at once, a liability and a formidable individual.

I sneeze a lot. This does mean I have a habit of sneezing over customers. Many of them get pretty miffed with me.

However, I am a security guard. So, anyone who is angry gets escorted off the premises and banned for life (irrespective of them stealing anything or not).

If you can imagine all of the above with me sneezing constantly, and not covering my mouth when I do so (because at this point having to raise an arm up and down to cover my sneezing mouth has led to chronic repetitive strain injury), then this is the sort of security guard you’re set to hire.

In other words, a superb addition to your team!

Do keep in mind, discriminating against me due to my sneezing illness is a breach of many employment laws and will result in an employment tribunal against you. During which time I’ll sneeze CONSTANTLY and you’ll curse the day you ever had to deal with me. The sneezing security guard.

Testimonials From Former Employers

“Derek is fairly useless as a security guard, turning a blind eye to petty theft in the belief it’s about the so-called ‘bigger picture’. By which he means someone stealing a big widescreen TV. If it’s a bag of frozen peas he thinks that’s not part of his job description. I used to say to him, ‘Derek, those peas cost £2.50… that’s a loss of £2.50, Derek!’ Then he’d sneeze in my face. Needless to say, his time with the organisation was limited and we were glad to see the back of him.”

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“Derek came to us in 2015 and spent three weeks working as our security guard. We fired him after those, aforementioned, three weeks due to his refusal to stop people from stealing products such as frozen peas. He believed the peas were ‘fair game’ and that the only thing he should protect are big TVs. Word got around the local community our store didn’t mind if customers shoplifted frozen peas. Within 10 days of Derek arriving, our frozen pea freeze section was decimated. We held an immediate frozen peas meeting even the CEO attended, but when quizzed for a solution Derek just continued sneezing. In that meeting, according to the notes recorded by the CEO’s PA, Derek sneezed 135 times. He did not pass his three-month probation.”

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“Derek joined our haberdashery business but, due to his persistent sneezing, by the end of the first day all of our haberdashery goods were covered in snot. We didn’t need to fire him because he didn’t turn up for his second day.”

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“Derek turned up on the wrong start date, continuously sneezed throughout the induction process, then meandered aimlessly about the store not guarding anything (as a security guard is supposed to do). A customer then asked him where the toilets were and Derek sneezed multiple times into the customer’s face. The lawsuit for this is ongoing.”