How to Manage Sneezing at Work

Two women employees in cartoon form, one of whom is sneezing whilst the other is annoyed by this.
A common workplace scenario.

Sneezing is an essential duty for your employees during their working life. As with employee nose picking, it poses severe health and safety risks your business must take seriously.

Failure to do so could result in someone sneezing without covering their face with their hands, resulting in snot and mucus flying across a room. How do you think that’d go down with shareholders? Snot at all well!

Why Sneezing at Work Matters

To sneeze or not to sneeze? That is the achoo. Even superior human being billionaires such as Jeff Bezos need to sneeze. And he wipes his nose with million-dollar cheques!

As such, it’s important your business create a Sneezing at Work Policy to remain compliant with the UK’s Sneezing at Work Act 1977. Failure to do so could result in an unlimited fine.

As per the legal case Professional Moron -vs- “Spotty and Annoying” Apprentice #11 (2017-71 ILTR 194), the esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif sneezed all over a young office apprentice.

A kerfuffle followed, with much fisticuffs. This resulted in a claim for breach of contract by the employee and an employment tribunal. All because of sneeze mismanagement.

As such, you should look to instigate your sneezing policy before irreparable harm is perpetrated on your squeaky-clean business model.

Tips For Managing Sneezing at Work

Remember, many of your employees (being inferior pustules of irrelevance whom your business props up with a wage) are terrified little kittens.

As such, a roaring great sneeze at arbitrary moments could be the death of them. And you don’t want your workforce dropping like flies due to sudden, involuntary expulsions of air from the nose and mouth.

So, you may want to put posters up around work informing staff of how to sneeze proper. Include advice such as:

  • Don’t stand within 0.3ft of someone when sneezing.
  • Don’t rely on one hand to cover the sneeze. Two is essential. If you only have one hand, use a colleague’s spare hand to complete a sneeze successfully.
  • Wipe excess booger and mucus gunk into a tissue. If you don’t have a tissue, wipe the excess booger and mucus gunk onto your pants.
  • For dramatic effect, accompany the sneeze with a bellowing pre-sneeze roar. For example, “ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHchoooooo!!” This will alert colleagues to a sneeze taking place. For health and safety purposes, some may choose to hide beneath their, respective, desk.
  • You may choose to instigate a policy where colleagues applaud a post-sneeze employee, congratulating them on their successful survival.
  • Embrace polite sneeze responses such as, “Gazuntite!”

Do note, it’s essential you take workplace sneezing seriously. If you don’t, it could lead to the collapse of your business and civilized society. So, you must action your sneezing policy with great promptitude.

Creating a Sneezing at Work Policy

This should outline what you expect of staff when feeling the urge to sneeze. Include the following details:

  • That your staff members have the right to sneeze, but you (as the employer) reserve the right to request a day of sneeze stifling if all the sneezing is getting on your nerves.
  • The number of sneezes allowed per day per employee (for example, no more than half a dozen a day on pain of redundancy).
  • The number of collective employee sneezes allowed per day at your business (for example, you can impose a capacity of 500 sneezes per day before the redundancies start kicking in).
  • The minimum number of sneezes per month (i.e. if no one is sneezing, it means staff aren’t overworking, burning themselves out, and becoming ill – laziness is bad for annual profits!).
  • If an employee sneezes without covering their face with their hands, colleagues have the right to batter the offending sneezer mercilessly with a filing cabinet.

Remember, it’s a legal right for you to request employees stifle all of their sneezes. However, this can result in their eyeballs shooting from their faces, which can dent productivity.

As such, you should allow your inferior members of staff (too lazy and stupid to run their own business!) to sneeze.

But perhaps save a looking of crushing disdain for their disgusting habits. This way, you show them who’s boss (NB: It’s you).

Also, it’s not uncommon for employees to strike over workplace sneezing restrictions. So, it’s good business practice to allow for the bodily function.

Although not to a liberal extent, otherwise snot will cake the premises of your business environment. Which is snot a good idea!

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