Some human male husbands have a tendency to become couch potatoes. This illness (which isn’t laziness, to be clear) isn’t contagious.

It is, however, rather annoying. Especially when the man bloke just sits there hour after hour, day after day, not bothering to do anything except drink beer and watch TV.

What does one do about one’s deadbeat hubby? Well, we’ve got all the potato-based advice right here! From mashing to boiling, we’ll sort that SOB out.

The Couch Potato of a Husband Must be Mashed

Dear agony aunt,

It’s fair to say the behaviour of my husband is a tad annoying. After a redundancy from his job working in a sewer last year, he’s fallen into what he calls “semi-retirement” and just lounges around all day on the say eating crisps and drinking cheap beer/cider. His semi-retirement makes him grumpy, flatulent, and annoying. All he does is sit there all day burping and “letting rip” before going, “Better out than in, babe!”

I told him he’s a couch potato and he said to me, “I ain’t no couch potato…” in the style of Ghostbusters and, “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.”

Eventually, after nagging him for weeks, he did admit it and snarled back, “Yeah, so what, this is the package you married and you should be thankful, darlin’!”

When he says stuff like that it’s fair to say I want to kick him in the testicles. However, I’ve pretty good restraint and so, for now, he’s remained unharmed. But I am considering hiring an assassin to “bump him off” (as it were).

Before getting to that stage, I’d like to know what I can do about this. I didn’t marry Henry for him to become a couch potato. If I wanted that, I’d have married a couch and a potato in a kind of weird commitment to non-sentient being polygamy. I’m not even sure it’d be legal to be honest.

Anyway, what do you think?

Kind regards,

Gloria

Hi there, Gloria! Our immediate suggestion is, definitely, try mashing your husband up. Get one of those potato mashers and mash away at him with the contraption until he starts complaining.

When he says something such as, “Oi, woman, cut that out, yeah?!” then continue mashing at him and say something like, “Not on your nelly, couch potato!”

Make it a bit of a fun and games situation and quite light-hearted. This is to see how he responds to your antics.

Ultimately, if he continues being a lazy SOB then that’s when it’s time to threaten him with other diabolical outcomes. Including, but not limited to:

• Roasting
• Steaming
• Au gratining
• Potato salading
• Scalloping

We think a fantastic option is to go potato salad with him (it’s almost summer after all). By which we mean cover him in salad cream sauce, chuck a sprig of parsley on him, and leave him to stew in his laziness.

At first he won’t really mind such a development.

However, over the following days he’ll attract the attention of rats, flies, wasps, and many other curious/hungry insects. Indeed, before long your husband will be infested with small beasts determined to get at that delicious salad cream.

The high-pitched screams of your couch potato husband as he comes to will be matched by the wild buzzing of the flies etc. as he shifts his man gut and they all buzz up into the air.

And? Well, your husband will be terrified/traumatised into a more physically active lifestyle!

Granted, he may suffer phobias and PTSD forever more going forward, but never again will he just sit there all day watching TV.

On another positive front, he’ll also never buy salad cream again!

This’ll save you budget towards insect-infested holidays abroad where all those bugs buzz around and ruin your time out in the sun. Hurray!