John le Carré’s The Constant Gardener (2001) is about a dude called Justin Quayle whose activist wife is slain in an incident known as “murder”. The book was transformed into a film starring handsome Ralph Fiennes with handsome (in the womanly sense) Rachel Weisz.

Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t appear in the film (for shame!). Instead, it’s a story about uncovering the truth, international conspiracy, corruption, and it’s a fine complement to the superb work The Secret Beer Garden.

The rip-off WE have written is called The Irregular Gardener. It’s about a bloke whose gardener follows a sporadic working pattern and is largely substandard at his work as a result. AVAILABLE NOW!

Themes of Gardening and Irregularity in The Irregular Gardener

“I say, where is that blasted gardener?!” Opined the upstanding gent with many acres of land to his name, “I shall not pay him a penny, nor farthing, until he’s clear the blasted drains of leaves!”

Although we used AI to write most of the 3,000 pages in this masterpiece of a magnum opus, rest assured our main writer (our esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif) wrote around 2,311 words by himself.

Then he “grew bored” of the concept and finished the book with AI. It’s available now as an ebook priced £135 per chapter (there are 135 chapters).

The plot goes like this:

• Pompous upper class rich bloke fusses about his acres of land.
• Bumbling gardener mows the lawn at strange angles.
• Bumbling gardener accidentally cuts down a tree.
• Bees invade the land.
• A drunk working class geezer passes out on one of the lawns.

That kind of thing. To read it is to behold a true masterpiece of robotic engineering, interspersed with vapid input from a human male editor who is too stupid to differentiate between your and you’re.

The Hidden Meaning of The Irregular Gardener

Literary buffs have really dug in to the work and planted the seeds of doubt behind its real meaning. Various conspiracy theories have sprung up about what Mr. Wapojif/AI are aiming at. Some suggestions are the book is trying to tell us:

• The Earth is flat
• Stanley Kubrick filmed the fake Moon landings
• The lizard people are amongst us
• Elvis is still alive and well
• Scotch eggs are alien invaders in disguise

We’d like to take the chance here to say our written bits of the book promote nothing of the sort! It is, instead, merely a work about a gardener who’s just not very good at his job, which annoys his posh boss.

However, we’ve since learned AI’s interpretation of our story… led the narrative down a slightly different path than Mr. Wapojif had intended.

In chapter 130, the AI bot rants about the following:

“The Irregular Gardener looked at the irregular garden and made a miraculous discovery, ‘THIS PROVES THE EARTH IS FLAT!’ He bellowed. The noise alerted his wealthy boss, whom sneered haughtily out of the third storey window of his mansion down at his wastrel of an employee, “Get back to work, sir!” He chirruped.

The gardener dug a little deeper into the mud and what he unearthed stunned him to his very gardening core…

DOCUMENTS PROVING THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKED!

Not only that, but files on the lizard people already loose in society, and documented evidence of Elvis alive and well and living in Cornwall.

There was also an angry scotch egg threatening to invade the planet (but the being was so small and inconsequential its threats seemed but a trivial matter). Instead, the gardener gathered the documents and sprinted as fast as possible to the nearest police station to alert the authorities and disseminate the news. Sadly, the coppers merely stuffed the man into a cell for the night under the belief he was clinically insane.”

The remaining chapters then turn into Discounts of Monte Cristo type crime caper, meets prison escape thing, meets increasingly incoherent AI rambling.

Addendum: Banned From Sale and the Arrest of Mr. Wapojif

Since the work was published, the book has now been unpublished, and all remaining copies were piled into a big ditch just outside Reading and burned.

Mr. Wapojif was also arrested for spreading communist propaganda. He’ll now face 735 hours of National Service under Prime Minister Rishi Sunak’s grand vision for woke Millennials. Our esteemed editor told us:

“They’ll bloody regret it the moment they give me a bazooka.”

Indeed they will, Mr. Wapojif. Indeed they will.