Many kids are inherently artistic and want to express that by drawing all over your lovely walls. This is a big no-no because walls shouldn’t be drawn on under international law (see The Children Not Drawing on Walls Act Because It’s So, So Naughty 1984).

However, today’s miffed mummy can’t stop her children from doing a Caravaggio (TLDR; The great artist was a lunatic no-good thug dude).

Her walls? Well, they’re ruined. RUINED! And this won’t do when there’s a mortgage to pay. Thus, let’s explore the options for getting this kid to OBEY the LAW.

What to Do When Your Kid Won’t Stop Doodling On Walls

Dear agony aunt,

My name is Judith.  I am marred to Charles. As we approach our 45th birthdays it is of the utmost urgency I get my youngest, Rupert (5), to stop drawing on our walls.

I’ve asked him very politely many, many times to stop. Then I did my very best “Rupert, no!” stern telling off. Seeing as he wouldn’t stop I then did my best hysterical screaming act of discipline. Whilst this made him burst into tears, and thus induced feelings of successful superiority and control, the very next day he was back at it again! Unbelievably, he wrote on my living room wall MUMMY IS A POO POO for everyone to see and even our gardener, Harry, saw it and laughed.

To combat this disgraceful behaviour I’ve dedicated an entire room in our home as The Naughty Room that our children are grounded to in the event they are naughty. This is EXTREMELY invasive on my husband and I as Charles had intended to turn that room into his designated Man Cave. Now he cannot do this. And he is somewhat miffed about it and takes his mood swings out on muggins here. This is a disgrace! As such, the designation of The Naughty Room over Charles’ Man Cave meant the children had intrinsically been naughty and were grounded to The Naughty Room for the weekend. The only time I briefly saw them was when our butler, Giles, took them their, respective, lunches.

As previously indicated, we have a joint birthday bash coming up. It is extremely important to have doodle-free walls when our guests arrive, many of whom are luminaries from the region. If they arrive and see MUMMY IS A POO POO scrawled all over the wall our family will be the laughing stock of Kensington! This shall not do. Thus, I appeal to you for advice as a last, desperate resort.

Kind regards,

Dame Judith Smuggleton Pontification III

Hi there, Judith. There’s a very simple solution to your dilemma—remove the walls.

Think about it. Do we really need walls? Don’t you think they’re merely trapping humanity within the confines of our sordid souls? Wouldn’t it be better to bulldoze the walls done and emancipate yourself to nature?

That’s our recommendation. Demolish your home and set yourself free, all with the added bonus of stopping little Rupert from doodling all over the place. Problem solved.

The downside is there’ll be an excess of rubble about the place. To guests arriving at your birthday bash, it’ll look like a bomb has hit your home. However, MUMMY IS A POO POO will be safely obliterated from existence.

As a statement, it’s worth facing homelessness to save face. Do it! Roll out the bulldozers, Judith!