Mr. Wapojif

BREAKING NEWS: PROFESSIONAL MORON LOSES UK GENERAL ELECTION 🤬

General election 2024 losers and destruction

This week we were out CAMPAIGNING after our Professional Moron UK general election manifesto went live. We worked harder than hard and yet the IDIOTIC British population REJECTED us.

What have you all done?!

You’ve voted RED—now a tidal wave of Marxism will sweep across this once great nation, bringing with it an all-conquering army of immigrants from Europe who want TO STEAL OUR GEESE!

Starmergeddon is upon us. The left let loose with wild abandon (a bit like a horrible goose).

This is a terrible day and we’re going to point out why you’re all idiotic halfwits and why left-wingers are to blame for 14 years of catastrophic hard-right Conservative government rule. It’ll make sense later. Trust us.

UK General Election 2024: How Karl Marx Destroyed This ONCE GREAT Land of Ensuring Women Stay in the Kitchen

You had your chance. We promised you FREE SANDWICHES… instead you chose MARXISM.

This is a baffling decision. One that only confirms the total stupidity of the (leftist) voter, ushering in a new era of Gulags, brain draining taxes, and swarms of immigrants loitering on EVERY SINGLE STREET CORNER across the UK. The country is now a communist state and, even though we’re incredibly manly and have nerves of steel, we’ve shed a tear or two for England—the greatest planet on Earth.

We now live in a state of perpetual fear. This is now the British version of The Great Terror, except this one’ll be called The Grate Terror because Conservative underfunding and removal of the arts since 2010 has led to lower literacy levels.

Just yet another example of THE LEFT ruining our lives. If you want to survive those grates, this is The Surviving UK Communism Guide for Normal & Real People.

Emergency Stockpile Cucumber Sandwiches

The first thing the socialists will go for is our impressive British food. They’re jealous of our cucumber sandwiches and will do anything to obliterate them from British life.

THIS MUSN’T BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN!

Save our cucumber sandwiches! Save Blighty! England won’t tolerate these drunken, filthy socialists BURNING our cucumber sandwiches in giant fires whilst singing The Internationale.

England can do it! She defeated the Nazis singlehandedly. She won the World Cup in 1966. She did Brexit. She invented the tin can so we could have baked beans.

Now! Now is the time to dig a little deeper into steely British stiff upper lip to ensure those bastards don’t take away the ideal polite spot of lunch that we rarely eat these days anyways.

A Horrifying, Vast, Unconquerable Swarm of BOATS Will Storm the Beaches

The Floodgates have opened. The communists have opened the doors and… WE CAN HEAR IT NOW! Right now! This chattering swarm of noise it’s the immigrants they’re here oh my day it’s game over…

Okay, turns it out it was just a flock of geese flying overhead.

Geese are, of course, immigrants in their own particular kind of way. But they DON’T steal our jobs and RUIN our communities with multi-cultural ideas and concepts. Now, they hiss and grab at you if you come too close. That’s much better than the other lot, who are here to CLOSE OUR CHIPPIES. Solution?

Hide All of Our Geese

BRITAIN IS UNDER ATTACK! There are people who don’t look British arriving on our shores in BOATS and they want to STEAL OUR GEESE.

Hang on a second. We do have this nagging feeling we’re being a bit OTT and all of this is just the insane, over reactionary, panicked, delusional rambling of someone who takes the right-wing press a little too obsessively literally.

But we’ll put aside that nagging feeling now as we’re PANICKING.

Just a reminder, we hate those leftist wokey snowflakes. But our type of panic-stricken lunacy is perfectly justified because (former) Prime Minister Rishi Sunak said the communists will RAISE OUR TAXES. Okay, sure, Sunak oversaw 26 Conservative tax rises since 2010, alongside 14 years of austerity, and Liz Truss crashing the economy in 44 days, but we’ll ignore that because we’ve had a genius epiphany!

Dig a Ditch

This may be an ongoing panic reaction, but we feel an incredible urge to dig a big ditch. We recommend you do the same! Dig many ditches in and around your home. Dig them deep! This is to defend yourself from:

  • Socialism
  • Swarms of immigrants
  • Higher taxes
  • The Woke

Digging ditches is the only way to protect our national identity. It’s the ONLY way to defend freedom of speech!

Ensure you purchase a 100% British-made shovel (don’t settle for any of that foreign rubbish) and start digging NOW. And don’t bloody stop digging! If you’ve still got your air raid shelter from WWII, now’s the time to stick it over the ditch you dig.

We’re all in this together (apart from the MARXISTS)!

With ditches and the great British spirit we can overcome the dark years ahead of Labour probably restoring some order to the mess the Conservatives have left behind. It’ll be terrifying! It’ll shake you to your core! But in five years time you can go back out and mindlessly vote Tory again! For no reason other than baffling, idiotic habit driven by an inane anti-left demagogue from the right-wing billionaire press.

Never mind climate change (it’s a hoax)! Never mind the obvious failings of current-state capitalism as it leaves tens of millions in poverty. THE PROBLEM IS OUR GEESE ARE BEING STOLEN BY ROMANIANS!

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