Formed in the aftermath of Brotherhood of Man’s hit single Save Your Kisses for Me (1976), Wuv emerged in 1978 as the UK’s next big hopeful at the Eurovision Song Contest of that year.

Consisting of four very nice members with big cheesy grins plastered on their faces, the single Luvvy Duvvy Wuv Wuv Duv set the pop group on a path toward quite psychotically terrible noteriety.

Their story is a warning to history; it’s fine being a “nice” band with a squeaky clean public image. But overdo the niceness and the apocalypse awaits.

Wuv—The Band so Nice it Infuriated the World

There were four unsuspecting members picked by studio execs in London for their good looks, clean living image, and overall niceness:

1. Lucy McNiceness
2. Henry Loveliness
3. Jane Smashingsmile
4. Rupert Buttocks

Due to Rupert Buttock’s surname his, aforementioned, surname was changed to Swoon in time for the band’s debut album. This was recorded in the early months of 1978. Nauseatingly sweet-natured singles included:

• Luvvy Duvvy Wuv Wuv Duv
• Lovely Wovely Lovely Dovely Lovely
• Romantic Lovely Love Romance Swoon
• Kissy Wissy Missy Kissy Dissy
• I Love You So Much it Gave Me a Hernia
• Shave All Your Chest Hair For Me

Several of these songs were so excessively nice they were deemed a threat to public safety and banned.

Indeed, Luvvy Duvvy Wuv Wuv Duv was viewed as the worst offender, with lyrics capable of causing brain rot from a mile away (WARNING: Read the following with extreme caution):

Luvvy duvvy wuv wuv duv,
Duvvy wuvvy wuv wuv dovely,
Kissy wissy kiss kiss kiss,
Lovely lovely lovely love,
I think you are a super nice lovely.

Following its dismal failure at Eurovision ’78 (scoring ZERO POINTS from every nation), the song was notorious for clearing the dancefloor during peak ’70s disco era. Whereas flares wearing hippies could jive to The Bee Gees, as soon as Wuv hit the speakers, projectile vomiting would commence and panic-stricken jivers would flee to safer ground.

In 1979, it became a capital offence for DJs to play Luvvy Duvvy Wuv Wuv Duv in clubs.

Wuv responded to this ban with a free protest concert. This was held in London’s Hyde Park in August 1979, with 561 attendees hospitalised within the first 13 minutes of the performance.

The main cause of injury was brain rot due to the group’s twee music.

Wuv’s Sentencing and Other Miscarriages of Justice

Due to ongoing public concerns over the nature of Wuv’s music, the UK government intervened and the four members were all arrested. Jane Smashingsmile released a press statement in 1981 when out on bail:

“It is with deep regret that our music has caused such upset. However, I cannot in good conscience view this as anything other than an attack on Wuv from the ESTABLISHMENT. This is COMMUNISM at its most invasive and we, Wuv, call upon the people of Britain to take up arms, storm the capital, and overthrow government. DEATH TO THOSE BASTARDS!”

This unexpected turn of events didn’t sway public opinion. To further add to Smashingsmile’s woes, she was sent back to jail with new charges of incitement to riot added to her roster of criminal behaviour.

As with the other four members of Wuv, the trial was swift and judge the right honourable Sir Sebastian McElitist sentenced the members to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole.

Wuv’s Reunion From Behind the Wall of Wandsworth Prison

After decades behind bars facing up their crimes, in 2010 the members of Wuv decided to reform. The announcement led to a full-scale prison riot at HM Prison Wandsworth in London.

Following this riot, Wuv were relocated to Strangeways prison in Manchester city centre.

Reunion shows began, belatedly, in August 2015. Due to further rioting from distressed inmates, which resulted in £30 million worth of damage, prison officials violently intervened and re-charged the members of Wuv.

A further 13 life sentences were handed to each member, ensuring they’ll all remain in jail until at least 2150 (the general expectation from prison officials being they will dead before then).

It’s believed they all now live in solitary confinement and are fed three meals a day, every day, for the rest of their lives:

1. Gruel for breakfast
2. Gruel for lunch
3. Haggis for dinner (with gruel)

This tragic story is further proof that if you push the limits of niceness, a life of hell awaits you.