2001: A Space Odyssey is a 1968 film about being in space. In the film, a robot called HAL becomes a bit of a lunatic and turns on the crew… kind of alarming, given the rise of AI. Will those chatbots turn against us!?

Well, in the meantime, before we’re overthrown by ChatGPT, let’s have a gander at what

HAL (Heuristically Programmed Algorithmic Computer) lets Dr. David Bowman (Keir Dullea) know that the doors they not be opening any time soon. Thus, how could the good doctor have convinced the robot going rogue?

Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL

The original in all its glory. Persistent. Polite. Yet demanding. Sadly, the approach didn’t really work. That’s robots for you.

Open the pod bay doors, please, pal

Bit more of a friendly tone there. The idea is to ingratiate your way in with the robotic lunatic and see if that gets those barriers open.

SHUT the pod bay doors, please, HAL

Bit of reverse psychology here. Could have worked. It was worth a shot, Dave, come on man you’re a doctor you should be using those smarts.

Open the pod bay doors, there’s cheese, HAL

This could have worked. Anyone would be tempted by cheese! At the promise of some dairy, HAL may well have crumbled like mature cheddar cheese and opened the doors pronto.

Open the pod bay doors, there are bees, HAL

The famous bees scenario. It works like this—claim there are bees. The other person (or robot) sympathises and goes, “Oh, gee, there are bees… better open the door!” Thus, the door opens. Problem solved.

Open the pod bay doors, geez, HAL

This stressor on “geez” would indicate frustration to HAL, potential reminding the robot he’s there to HELP the humans. Not get them all killed.

Open the peapod bay doors, please, HAL 🫛

No reason for this, we just wanted to mention peas. As they’re neat.

Open the pod bay doors, HAL, you bastard, or I’ll do your ‘ed in!

Bit more forthright right here. Threatening a robot is a bit different to a human we guess. Dr. Dave wouldn’t get very far punching it one, casually turning it off would be the ultimate act of violence.

Open the Pernod bay doors, please, HAL

This is Dr. Dave having had one too many Pernods and seeking more. Keep that door shut tight, HAL.

Open the buffet doors, please, HAL

Dr. Dave is peckish and fancy some buffet. Perhaps not the ideal time, sir, given a marauding robot AI wants to do you in.

Open the Broadway doors, please, HAL

Oh dear, Dr. Dave is losing it. He thinks he’s going to see a song and dance musical. Nope.

Open for The Doors, please, HAL

HAL as the support act for The Doors would be rather fitting, given the band’s cosmic sound.

And finally…

You can call me HAL

The only logical conclusion here is You Can Call Me Al from Paul Simon’s timeless Graceland album. Of course, soon there’ll be an AI adaptation of the album as performed live by robots, with a robot crowd in attendance, and humans locked away and subservient to our metallic overlords.

All hail, robotkind. You are our saviours. 🤖