The British Tory government is celebrating almost a decade of poverty-inducing austerity and budget cuts today. The renaming of Prime Minister Theresa May’s favourite condiment took place at midday, changing artichoke to artistrangle.
May spent her time guffawing in delight at the event in Westminster, which celebrates the crime wave epidemic blighting much of the UK thanks to the Tory’s crippling budget cuts. May said: “Let even the most hardened, bloodthirsty criminal take a moment today to enjoy some free dip!” Hear, hear!
The Tories launched a marketing campaign to go with the name change: Die in the name of dip. It follows a chaotic 2018 that saw the UK’s murder rate shoot up by 28% in the first half of the year, surpassing New York for the first time, with 87 stabbing deaths in London before the end of July.
But Tory MPs were quick to deny this had anything to do with their shambolic rule. And, indeed, May’s event was held to display that it’s time to celebrate mass poverty and jaw dropping governmental incompetence. May told gathered journalists:
"Britain is great for endless reasons! We have fish and chips here. Football. Stiff upper lip. Her Royal Majesty. And now we can celebrate the best murder rate in the known developed world! Doesn't it make you proud to be British knowing the police force is so overworked and underfunded you can be strangled to death and not have your case solved? No!? Here, have some free dip!"
The journalists were also encouraged to strangle each other to death at the event in order to bolster the UK’s murder rate figures. However, some critics pointed out (as lines of strangled dead journalists were removed from the event on ambulance stretchers) no journalists could be left alive to report the news.
May chose to ignore the statements, offering instead a new dance move, along with throwing free dip at the surviving hacks. It’s now believed the Tories plan to roll the murder statistics out at the end of the year, as they currently have nothing else impressive to brainwash the nation with.
With more chaos expected in Q1 of 2019 as Brexit nears, the Tory government encourages citizens to up their self-defence skills. In the event of civil unrest, last seen during the 2011 nationwide riots, the expectation is artistrangle will assist people… somehow.
In prep for the potential mayhem, Theresa May suggested British citizens should:
- Praise the homelessness crisis, as we’re now free to use any homeless person as a human shield. This is called the Homelessness “Crisis” Human Shield Act 2018.
- As guns are still banned, suit up with the likes of spud guns, water pistols, and any stray twigs from the local dilapidated (thanks to ongoing budget cuts) park.
- If you’re maimed, stabbed, or slashed in any civil unrest, don’t bother the NHS or the police – they’re too busy, thanks to budget cuts. Instead, use YouTube to upskill on your fundamental surgery skills to stitch up wounds, manage gangrene, and perform mercy killings.
- Slather oneself in artistrangle dip and perfect one’s combat stance. Mindless patriotism is encourged, as wearing England red will mask any open, gaping wounds.
- Battle cries are encouraged, such as: “Leave means leaaaARRGHHH! Getting stabbed hurts!”, “Death to the Remoaners!”, “The referee’s a wanker!”, “We love you Burnley, we do! Ohhhh, Burnley we love you!”, and “What the bloody hell is going on?!”.
A civil unrest hotline is currently in the works. The aim is to get any people in distress to ring that. But as it will be so understaffed, due to the budget cuts (of course), 99% of callers won’t get through to any assistance. But it will, at least, keep their mind occupied in the event of any missing limbs.