Let’s face it, we could all do with a dung beetle in our lives. That’s why here at The Dung Beetle Adoption Centre Ltd. we’re gifting you that golden dung-based opportunity.
We’ve got thousands of ’em here. THOUSANDS!
We’re got dung, too! TONNES OF IT! And while our centre stinks like crazy, you can bet your ass you’ll leave with a new insect best friend to take him, cuddle, and watch it roll crap everywhere.
Adopt a Bug and Dung (💩) TODAY!!!
We’re not immune to the most manipulative attempts at making you feel bad about yourself for NOT adopting a dung beetle.
See our slogan at the top of the screen, the whole point of our organisation is to make you feel bad about yourself. As such, if you DO NOT adopt one of these vulnerable little mites, this is what’s likely to happen:
- Dung will be left everywhere and society will reek
- You will confirm your status as a not good bastard
- The future of humanity will be drenched in dung and it’s all your fault
Three core issues there that YOU, adopter of dung beetles, can address today at the princely sum of only £100 per beetle. You can’t argue with prices like that.
Upon completing your adoption, the beetle will be flown via helicopter directly to your address at the princely sum of only £33,000. As this is a first class delivery method, you won’t need to pay for postage and packaging.
Once in possession of your beetle, be sure to:
- Give it a name
- Slather dung all over your home
- Dedicate all your time and energy to keeping your new pet happy
Your life will never be the same again! Your home will never smell the same again! You’ll never look at dung in the same way again!
But above all else, within months you’ll have embraced the dung beetle’s ascetic lifestyle of excrement and little else. You too will roll dung, abandon your day job, and become an unemployed wretch. Those are the joys of adoption.
Case Study: Deirdre from Bolton of Greater Manchester and the Dung Beetle Harry
Deirdre (81) is a retired former shed destroyer from Lancashire. She adopted her bug Harry in January 2025. This is her moving experience.
“Hi there! Deirdre here. I got me pet bug, Harry, and he’s a lovely little blighty! I got out back into field behind me house and scoop up a load of cow manure in me hands, bring it into kitchen, and dump it on the floor. Little Harry then comes on in and I’m like, ‘IT’S HARRY! He’ll clear up this mess!’ And sure enough, as sure as the day is long and Corrie is on telly, Harry rolls it all up. Although not all of it and the rest sits about reeking bad and so me friends have stopped visiting. But why have friends when you can have a dung beetle?”
Warms the cockles of your heart, eh? It’s moving stories like that that (that) should influence your decision to buy your latest pet NOW!
And if you don’t, we’ve hired a bald and belligerent bouncer to come round your home and STARE at you in a menacing way. You’ve been warned! 🪲
As a wise man once said, the humble beetle is rich in trenchant metaphor for our hopeless existence: there’s the deathwatch beetle, that ticks away our futile seconds upon this earth. Then there’s the dung beetle, clinging desperately to its ball of filth, blind to its true nature. And, of course, there’s those freaky beetles with the rhinoceros horns, that remind us that sometimes nature is pretty awesome.
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Indeed, I can see a future where humanity has dung people. Where we roll around dung in a twisted take on the Myth of Sisyphus – perhaps the Myth of Dungyphus. Up we roll that giant dung ball each day, only for it to roll back down the hill. Dunging hell…
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