The Funky Drummers were a troop of foul-smelling touring drummers who performed at lowbrow venues during the DISGRACEFUL tail end of 1980s Lancashire, UK.

Renowned as the most putrid drumming group of all time, the 12 members rarely bathed and whilst touring consumed a diet of only garlic bread, cigarettes, cheap lager, canned tuna, and cheese.

Although their odour preceded their appearances, the drummers were excellent calibre players. However, due to their general rancid stench their career fell off a cliff, eventually forcing them all to have the occasional shower. This… is their story.

Unholy Smells and Crashing Cymbals in The Funky Drummers

Formed in Hulme of Manchester in the spring of 1985, the drummers consisted of:

• Craig Stubble
• John Athlete’s Foot
• Jeff Wart
• Andy Bowels
• Henry Rancid
• Michael Repugnant
• Steve McSmelly
• Alan Shitforbrains
• Dave Rash
• Alistair Cabbage
• Gareth Wound
• Maude “Mongy” Stench

All the funky drummers were self-taught, schooled as they were in the funky beats of James Brown’s legendary sticksman Clyde Stubblefield.

However, whilst Clyde Stubblefield was a genius and major influence on the global drumming scene, The Funky Drummers took the drumming genre literally and abandoned personal hygiene. They:

• Stopped bathing
• Drummed extra aggressively to drum up the stench
• Wore t-shirts to expose their armpits
• Stand events out with BO

Whilst solid drummers in their own right, live performances were marked with such a fetid smell that many audience members left within minutes. At a Hulme gig in September 1985, Sounds magazine’s reported Charlie Mushypeas noted:

“Jesus H Christ! The smell! You can hear the jazz drumming as each drummer spends a moment on the kit, swapping every other number, but you’re too busy desperately trying to cover your nose with cloth or whatever you can lay your hands on. Anything! Anything to cover up the putrid reek. THIS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.”

It’s been noted some in the crowd would, rather than face the infernal smell, hide in the male bathrooms and endure the smell in there over the BO. A contemporary crowd member called Bozzer (21) from Salford told Sounds magazine:

“They’re good drummers and that but what with the smell and that I figured I’d hang out with me pint and acid tabs in the toilets with the lads. Smell ain’t so bad there you get used to it after a bit. It’s just piss mainly that’s what you got to deal with. Piss and sometimes a number two… I mean these are the things what you go to live with when you go on a night out… I think”

Sounds reporter Mushypeas confirmed from that Hulme gig:

“I joined some young revellers in the male bathroom to escape the rancid funky drummer smell. You could hear the drummers from the confines of the male bathroom, but standing in puddles of urine with 21 year olds dropping ecstasy tablets perhaps isn’t what one would consider a classy night out. We all agreed it’d be better if the drummers indulged in personal hygiene.”

The Funky Drummers did not indulge in personal hygiene. Things went from bad to worse as they plagued Manchester, Greater Manchester, and Lancashire with their foul-smelling drumming shows.

“Funky Drummers Always Smell Bad”

In January 1986, the band’s manager, 54 year old Gareth Belch from Oldham, noted that the drummers were not embracing a gimmick. He told Sounds magazine:

“This is not a gimmick, you stupid wankers! You attend the gig, dickheads, and watch the performance, you tossers, and that’s it. Anyway, since when have drummers ever smelled good? Pricks! Funky drummers always smell bad, it’s the law. Now, get out of my way, bellends, I want a Big Mac!”

Mr. Belch later choked to death on the, aforementioned, Big Mac and was replaced by new manager Gary Burp (no relation). Mr. Burp promptly introduced air fresheners at gigs at a cost of £100 per air freshener. This upselling tactic did nothing to improve public appreciation of the band.

Funky Smells and Dwindling Popularity

By 1987, with the Madchester music scene on the rise, a group of not overly intelligent, pretty nasty smelling drummers didn’t much appeal.

To try and improve gig attendance, The Funky Drummers began holding sacrifices to the Drumming Gods live on stage. This ritual would involve choosing one of their 12 drummers and then:

• Trying him to a drum kit
• Sacrificing him with the Mighty Drum Stick Blade of Doom

This activity, under UK law, constituted “murder” and quickly led to the arrests of the surviving Funky Drummers members. With so many audience member witnesses, the band members were soon imprisoned with sentences of over 100 years (each) and a strict order for all of them to take a shower.

As of 2025, all members reside in Strangeways Prison in Manchester city centre.

Gary Burp’s whereabouts are disputed, but there are some who say he opened a chippy in Bolton that was eventually shut down due to a cockroach infestation and illegally black market drug dealing side hustle.