Real Estate Bastards Enterprises Ltd. is delighted to reveal a cave to let in the remote hills of the Lake District. You will be sharing this fine property with a sabre-toothed tiger called Harold, who has rented there for the last 10,000 years.
Viewings commence immediately of this £1,500 p/m property (bills not included, NO PETS), which isn’t close to local amenities. But if you own a helicopter, and it’s advised you invest in one, then you can enjoy luxurious flights to and from work with relative ease.
The Grotto: Commanding Views, Fearsome Cavemate, Helicopter-Friendly Landing Space
This stunningly durable, semi-detached geographical formation boasts unrivalled structural integrity and a minimalist interior design aesthetic. Notable costs and estate agent demands are:
- £1,500 p/m + fresh woolly mammoth leg per week
- £3,000 deposit
- £500 agency fees for no goddamn reason other than obnoxious greed
- Bills NOT included
- No pets (not even a goldfish)
- No drug addicts
- No alcoholics
- Helicopter ownership recommended
- Must like sabre-toothed tigers
The passive solar system within The Grotto is a charming feature and there’s unmatchable ventilation, which certainly picks up whenever a storm rolls into town.
This is when the superb Quaternary features come to life, unchanged as they are for 2.5 million years, allowing you to fully embrace the hellish world of pre-historic living—freezing temperatures, rain, and no access to the local Co-Op. No Pot Noodles for you this weekend, caveman!
Harold: Your Sabre-Toothed Tiger Cavemate
Please note, viewings are entirely at your own risk. When viewing this property there’s no guarantee Harold won’t attack you on sight. Many a viewing has ended in bloodshed, decapitations, and a less hungry Harold. If this concerns you, don’t view this property.
If you don’t view it, then you’re missing out on a modern cave dwelling that’d be the envy of all your friends. That includes an:
- Open door policy cavemouth with commanding views of the Lake District
- Caving system that moves several miles underground, allowing for night-time strolls amongst the dank and bat-ridden interiors
- Sleeping and bathroom area covered in mould
- Total lack of central heating, internet connection, and all other mod cons
- Floorplan of two zones:
- Habitable area
- Danger zone
The property is very peaceful, except for when Harold begins his mating rituals and/or hunting ceremonies. The rest of the time he’s a dutiful and respectful cavemate, just one whom may decide to maul and consume you at any moment.
But don’t let that put you off as this is a superb property.
For adrenaline junkies, spend your time wondering if you’re the tenant or Harold’s next meal at the highly competitive rate of a mere £1,500 p/m (bills not included, repeat, bills will NEVER be included).
