The God Equation: The Quest for a Theory of Everything is a popular 2021 science book by the clever clogs physicist Michio Kaku. As is similar with the seminal work The Dog Delusion, there is now also The Dog Equation: The Quest for a Lost Stick (2026).

This genius work launched to critical acclaim just 13 hours ago, with its author (Fido the Dog) proclaiming it to be the most important dog book of all time. Is Fido correct? Or is he just a bit of an arrogant dickhead? Let’s find out in this review.

Barks Heard Around the Universe in The Dog Equation

“Woof…”

So begins the most profound dog-based book of all time. A fitting opener, right up there with “Call me Ishmael” and all that sort of stuff. For it sets the scene for a groundbreaking thesis on existence, chasing tennis balls, and eating treats. Indeed, the central equation is:

B + T = Woof

This being barking plus treats equals woof.

Some scientists have argued theoretical physics sits “uneasily” alongside “Dogness”, suggesting the general behaviour of dogs won’t lead to any major reveals about big conversation points (such as the meaning of life, the edge of the universe, and whether talking to pot plants assists their growth).

Nevertheless, Fido argues in favour of Dogness and everyday being, such as through:

• Quantum entanglement whereby two dogs in different rooms sneeze simultaneously
• Multiverse theory and there being a parallel dimension behind the living room sofa
• Schrödinger’s Cat being a load of “poo poo” because cats are “liars”
• Woof etc.

Whilst many physicists attempt to explain the nature of the universe, in The Dog Equation readers mainly get an endless set of anecdotes about how Fido loves chasing sticks and/or balls. This led one physicist (whom wishes to remain anonymous) to note Fido was:

“Content to sniff the rear end of reality, as opposed to discovering miraculous new… miracles. *Ahem*”

There are 15 chapters across the 300 page book. 70% is largely about chasing sticks, plus one chapter is dedicated to barking at parked vehicles, but chapter 3 is (arguably) the greatest known achievement in all of scientific history.

It may appear as an anomaly amongst the other chapters, but it argues that Black Holes are caused by dogs losing their favourite balls in space.

To back up this claim, Fido reminds the reader of “the GREATEST equation in history”.

B + T = Woof.

Some scientists have found the chapter particularly harrowing, for it means their dog’s favourite ball may now be forever lost to the recesses of the cosmos (either that or Fido is chatting shit and the ball is still under the living room sofa).

Regardless, The Dog Equation probably won’t win any Nobel Prizes, but it will, at least, provide a compelling universal claim for, “Who’s a good boy then?” For it is Fido, the first ever canine to write a science book.

Electromagnetism and Walkies: How Fido Came to Write

The Dog Equation has been scoffed at for its simplistic scientific rambling. However, there has been considerable consternation regarding the sudden appearance of a dog who can write in clear English.

Fido’s owner, Danny (a plumber from Devon), told Professional Moron in an EXCLUSIVE interview:

“Fido is the smartest dog in the world. I found this out when he kept bollocking me for reading the tabloids. I started reading The Financial Times and then Fido started reading that, plus he kept asking me to take us on a trip to NASA. I told him to fetch the stick instead. He did that. But then he decided to write the book. I’m chuffed it’s been published and all that, but Fido needs to remember if he barks at night it keeps me up and then we can’t have big walkies the next day, it’s small walkies.”

Fido was unavailable for comment due to the influx of press attention. We wish him all the best with his work and hope it sells 37 billion copies.