Welcome to the Fried Egg Café where we’ve got fried eggs here. That’s all we serve. Don’t like fried eggs? GET THE BLOODY HELL OUT OF HERE THEN YOU BLOODY BASTARD!
Fried Egg Café: Where There’s Fried Eggs, Hostility, and Poor Service GUARANTEED
Hello I’m Dave I run Fried Egg Café. I won £5k on the lottery so invested it wisely into setting up a local café with fried eggs on me mind. I love eggs, me, and I eat 135 of the things every day. Fried.
If they’re not fried they’re BLOODY WELL WOKE, matey. That means I’ve got a big list, in the name of freedom of speech, of people WHO ARE NOT ALLOWED IN MY CAFE:
- LEFTIES
- COMMIES
- HIPPIES
Anyone who likes poached eggs, basically, because fried eggs are the way to go. That’s what real men eat. None of that rabbit food. I’m Dave, I’m 55 and I have type II diabetes. That’s as manly as it gets.
The Fried Egg Café Menu
Now obviously I’m not 100% batshit crazy, I do have other things on the menu:
- Builder’s brews
- Pork pies
- Soup
All of them come with a COMPLETELY FREE fried egg in them to show what a top bloke I am. They don’t make them like that no more! Me. I am Dave the legend.
Health & Safety Notice: Illegal Excess Use of Sunflower Oil
I’m legally obliged to inform you I use sunflower oil to fry me fried eggs. I don’t hold back on the stuff either, fetlers, I pour it into the pan by the bastard litre me. Glob, blob, glob. The more the merrier. Puts hair on your back, that does!
It does mean I’m breaking the law on many levels, but that’s a breach of my freedom of speech that is so I’m not going to comment about that no more.
My café actually has the worst The Food Standards Agency in all of the UK. That not only makes me proud to be British, but it also makes me proud to be English. Because that’s what my greasy spoon joint is all about. It’s a place for overweight tabloid-reading Brits to mingle, curse communism, complain about the weather, and leave with a significant boost in your blood pressure. All thanks to me! The CEO of The Fried Egg Café.
Our Customer Reviews: Blood Clots, Fried Eggs, and Amputated Legs
“Went to this cafe at 9am on Monday morning. Left at 10am on Monday morning with a blood clot the size of bloody Bournemouth jammed in me skull. Took five month to recover but went straight back to my mate Dave’s joint as soon as I could. Reet proper grub this one, like the good old days.” Jeff, Bolton of Greater Manchester
[Customer testimonial is unavailable due to the customer’s cessation of existence when on their 30th fried egg at The Fried Egg Cafe. Had been making positive noises about the food prior to suffering a brain aneurysm, stroke, and heart attack simultaneously.]
“One was in serious need of some foodstuffs as one was positively famished. Sadly, one’s only possible option was the most heinous of destinations where eggs of the fried variety were available, not even with lashings of the finest caviar and/or crème fraîche. Regardless, one consumed several of the repetitive menu items and, in a most startling development, a blood clot rendered one bed-ridden in a hospital. One’s right leg was later amputated due to the, aforementioned, blood clot. One’s finest lawyers are on this matter as this is most preposterous one attempts to slake one’s hunger pangs and is left missing a blasted lower extremity!” Rupert Sebastian III, Oxfordshire
[Customer testimonial removed after it was revealed the customer is a communist.]
