Bored of coffee shops? We sure as all hell are! That’s why we’ve just opened the world’s first Coughing Shop! Just in time for cold and flu season, our store will be home to customers eager to mindlessly spread their germs everywhere.
Open from 9am through to 5pm, we’ve chosen hours specifically so working people can rarely attend… unless you’re off work sick! Then you can turn up, cough everywhere, and feel better about yourself.
AHEM! It’s the Coughing Shop
Please note, we don’t serve coffee at the Coughing Shop, we have a variety of malaise-based beverages to help you through your days. Our drinks menus includes:
- Cough syrup: £5 a pint
- Horlicks: £5 a pint
- Lemsip: £5 a pint
- Benylin: £5 a pint
- Mullein tea: £5 a pint
- Vicks: £5 a pint
- Honey and lemon: £5 a pint
- Melted cheese: £5 a pint
- Bovril: £5 a pint
Everything is £5 a pint due to inflation and we’re just greedy bastards like that. We also have food menu, with foodstuffs including:
- Cheese on toast (£10)
- Beans on toast (£11)
- Coughing on toast (£12)
- Cough syrup on toast (£13)
- Sneeze on toast (£14)
- Malaise Muffins made with real mucus (£15 per muffin)
All of our food is created on-site by our experienced Head Chef Dave. Yes, he has a whooping cough! He’ll take great delight in spraying his germs all over your freshly prepared food, ensuring illness and unpleasantness for all the community.
Rules Regarding Coughing in the Coughing Shop
While people who aren’t ill are welcome to attend the Coughing Shop, do so at your own peril. Non-coughers are openly discriminated against with verbal abuse and Head Chef Dave will probably throw muffins at you. Common statements will be along the lines of:
“Cough off, your coughing bastard!”
However, feel free to stay if you can deal with such foul language and aggressive behaviour. Spend your cash, as hang around long enough and you’ll get ill and have a cough in next to no time! Then you can join in with insulting other pathetic scumbags with a fully operating immune system.
As for those who are ill, we do set certain coughing rules you must adhere to (or face the wrath of Head Chef Dave). These include, but aren’t limited to:
- No more than 100 coughs per hour (any more is plain annoying)
- If you’re coughing up blood, get off the premises
- If you can’t stop coughing to the extent you’re doubled over, red in the face, relentlessly whooping out coughs then that’s also really annoying and go outside until you get it under control
- Polite coughs are not tolerated
- Sneezing is welcomed with wild abandon
The Coughing Shop is primarily intended for inconsiderate assholes who want to spread germs everywhere. However, we do welcome families, just please don’t bring your kids (only if you have to should you bring them). As the owners, we hate kids and don’t want them getting their snotty germs everywhere. It’s gross.
Also, do not bring your dogs. Dogs are not welcome. If you must bring an animal, horses are welcome and some breeds of deer. Otherwise, just your human form with a sore throat and you’ll be sorted.
