British people really don’t know how to handle the sun – it’s a simple truth. Most Brits spend the majority of the time complaining about the rain and the cold, and then once the sun does emerge and a heatwave strikes us, like this week, out we all come from the woodwork. The result? Obese, pallid men wandering around Tesco in nothing but flipflops and shorts, more weirdo men just wandering around with their tops off, and the female element of our species (particulaly teenagers) stripping down to remarkably revealing clothes including, but not limited to, hotpants and bare-all tops. It’s a frightful mess and the perpetual stream of sunburned faces/shoulders/neck and chest combinations speaks for itself. British people can’t handle the heat.
You only have to see how the Brits behave in places like Ibiza to realise what a bunch of idiots a lot of us are. No wonder a lot of nations can’t stand us, our behaviour is appalling. Whether you’re a football hooligan trashing some pleasant Belgian cafe, or a drunk chav vomiting in the street outside some trendy dance club on holiday, please note; you’re behaving like a wanker.
Professional Moron treats you to the very best of our observations over the last week during England’s first heatwave of 2012.
1. Let’s get naked! Hurray, the sun has got his hat on, so let’s strip down to the most revealing clothes possible and forget our diginity entirely! Nevermind if I’m horribly overweight from all the abhorrant junk food and fizzy drinks I stuff into my stupid face, I still want to bare the rolls of flab on my belly to the watching world, and the mounds of cellulite on my bottom to the, no doubt, dribbling and gagging-for-it men! Phwoooarr!
2. Let’s shop! The sun is out! Let’s go for an extended shopping spree! Nevermind when I could actually shop when there are far fewer people about, now that it’s uncomfortably hot let’s go and mill around the latest shopping centre aimlessly for items of clothing I don’t need! Better still, I’ll get to argue with people I bump into as there just isn’t enough room for the milling hordes of shoppers but, as I’m me, I’m perfect and don’t need to look where I’m going!
Naturally, if the Brits want to shop in the heat and sun then they have to do it half naked (remember point 1?). This leads to the eye candy that is sunburn. Consequently, the breed of British men who look like this chap on the right turn their sex appeal up to the notch!
3. Let’s get drunk! Hurray! What better than to get wasted in the sun!? Nevermind setting a good example to our upcoming generation of children, we might as well teach them the mistakes that were peddled at us as infants. If it’s hot, you drink and make of fool of yourself.
4. Let’s lie naked on the grass! As the sun’s out it’s not quite enough to wander around half naked, we should also take to lounging around on the grass like morons! Why bother actually doing anything when we can all just lie there getting sunburn and looking like pale, moronic oddballs!
5. Let’s wear those stupid short trousers! At the Professional Moron office we consider those short trousers (seen to the left, and in the picture to point 4) to be quite moronic. Are we just being stupid? We are, after all, professional morons, but the sight of men’s pale, hairy, knobbly lower legs isn’t much of a “phwoooarrr!” moment. The solution? Pants, man. Cool pants.
What annoys us most is that a lot of men seem to eaglerly await the opportunity to wear these things. Weirdos!