Classic Film Quotes Altered – For The Best

Noomi Rapace gets ready to kill the hungry film critics.

We just watched Prometheus, and other than Noomi Rapace’s excellent hairdo there wasn’t much to shout about. Anyway, it got us thinking about films which are actually great. Ahhhh, great films. You can’t live without them and you can’t live within them, as the old saying goes. It’s such quotes which make us all function in life. If something difficult happens to you, such as if you’re short changed by the hairdressers and only realise when you get home, you can quip, “E.T. phone home.” Anyone within hearing distance will consequently realise just how wonderfully witty and agile your brain is.

As a further consequence you will be crowned with glory; your friends will purchase for you donuts, ham, and milk. You can mush all this lot together in a food blender and drink it down as a smoothie. Except without the fruit it’s more a donutie. But with ham and milk. Anyway, back to the film quotes. They can strike fear, joy, happiness, hatred, terror, mortification, euphoria, jealously, and apathy into any mortal film goer. But, what if the quote had been different in some way? The entire outlook of a film could have been so very, very, very, very, very different. We take a look into how different these cinema experiences could have been.

Quint was often angry during Jaws.

Jaws – “You’re gonna need a bigger coat….” A famous line signalling the element of adversity one can come up against in life. In Jaws, crusty old sea farer Quint goes on an obstinate rampage to kill the shark. And, guess what, he really did need a bigger boat. However, had he actually needed a bigger coat (it’s cold out at sea), they could have returned to land, got that coat, and a bazooka or something whilst they were at it. Problem solved. Gone With The Wind – “Frankly, my dear, I don’t have any spam.” Had the film sold out to Spam and placed a huge endorsement in that most famous of lines things probably would have gotten ugly. I should imagine spam sales would have gone through the roof but, you know, it would have spoiled the film a bit.
Star Wars – “Luke…. I am your mother!” Yes, Darth Vader turns out just to be a gruff voiced (perhaps too much smoking?) female with oily skin and major wrinkles. Would have been a bigger shock, we think, than the whole father thing.

Princess Leia (note trademark hair) is still a favourite amongst men.

Star Wars – “May the chores be with you!” Not many chores get done in the Star Wars series. Just who exactly was doing all the ironing, washing up etc? Even Darth Vader must have needed the loo at some point. And did he ever shower? He would have demanded the most fluffy towels ever, we bet. E.T. (which,allegedly, was going to stand for Enormous Telephone) – “E.T. phone pizza hut.” All E.T. wanted to do was get home. But, you know, if he’d of changed his mind and called Pizza Hut instead the film wouldn’t have been so emotionally destroying.

A Few Good Men – “You can’t handle my tooth!” Jack Nicholson, fresh from the dentists, has been given his tooth as a present for what a brave little boy he has been, but he won’t let anyone else in court handle it! And rightly so, for this tooth holds the plans for a Nuclear war should a nuclear war begin before a nuclear war has been scheduled. Sixth Sense “I see living people.” Sixth Sense. Wouldn’t have been quite as poignant really, would it? The film would have been about so insipid kid who sees living people and is frightened of them. He would have gone off to a therpist with agoraphobia or some sort of social anxiety disorder like AvDP. Not much of a fun film, eh? Unless he then lost his rag and went on a psychotic rampage!

Mwaahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!! On an unusual note; we’ve never actually seen this film. It was completely destroyed as we heard that Bruce Willis’ character is, you know…. well anyway, we were told endless times about the film’s twist way before we had a chance to see it. Tsk.

James Bond – “The name’s Bond. James Margaret Bond.” Yes, it turns out James Bond is a bit of a big girl’s blouse after all. See Daniel Craig, rippling muscles and tight speedos parading around on the beach? Well his middle name’s Margaret. You’re not taking him back to meet your mom after that are you?

Big Arnie wonders whether to shave a few cm off his hair.

The Terminator – “I’ll be quack.” Big Arnie loses his rag and decides to spend the entire film making non sequiturs and general oddball statements. Which is what he tends to do in movies anyway. But this time it would be, you know, more like his family comedy japes like Kindergarten Cop and all that. Another one that would work would be; “Sarah Conner, you are a goner!” A real wisecracking comedy genius is The Terminator of the distant future/past.

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