I think most British maniacs like us would agree with English public transport being a nightmare, especially anyone who has ever lived in London. Londoners have to endure long periods of sitting deep underground in dark tunnels on the tube, stuck for an hour with no explanation other than “a signal failure”.

As we’re pallid Northerners these days we have a bit of an easier time, but we still have the usual issues. Stuff breaks down with no warning. Stuff has to be abandoned arbitrarily due to “signal failures”. By “stuff” we mean the Manchester tram system, which is best avoided. And why?

The Wrong Type of Snow

“And, like, why?” I hear you snort! Well you can snort and guffaw all you want, mere mortals, but whether it’s the “wrong type of snow” or “signal failures” or “zombie corpses blocking the track” the excuses come thick and fast and simply go straight over our heads. We’re so used to it that, when a journey isn’t struck by any problems, we often suffer a cardiac arrest due to the shock of the achievement!

Now “the wrong type of snow” was an excuse used by Terry Worral on 11th February 1991 to explain the severe rail system disruption in England.

Ever since the British media have jumped on this saying, coined by The London Standard, to gleefully mock and belittle the bumbling managers public transport services. It’s a tough job but, frankly we don’t sympathise.

And why? As we’re pure evil! Regardless of that, today we have decided to have a look at what other “wrong types of” could disrupt YOUR next bus or train journey.

The Wrong Type of Jam Donut

As we all know donuts are increasing in popularity in England. Should a train driver not get the jam donut he ordered we can’t help but agree that it would be vital to cease all train services in order to deliver this vital jam donut to this one individual who could never function without jam!

The Wrong Type of Chav

It’s not a proper bus journey unless some chavs are onboard making a hell of a noise and throwing stuff and/or pretending to rap to their tediously loud iPhone blasting out the latest crap song. Indeed. All public transport must halt until at least one correct type of chav is present to make an almighty din and irritate everyone else towards insanity.

The Wrong Type of Pregnant Woman

There’s usually always a pregnant woman who causes utter havoc on overcrowded public transport with an enormous pram and a screaming toddler. It’s almost quite priceless to watch everyone attempting to stifle the desire to lash out. On the whole 100% of the time us British folk hold onto our stiff upper lip and endure. For England, James?

The Wrong Type of Silence

It wouldn’t be public transport in England if everyone didn’t stand around not saying anything. Professional Moron staff recognise several people who use the same tram and then bus every single day and, yet, we’ve never said a word to each other. That’s the British way! And if a bus is free from chavs and pregnant women then silence reigns.

The Wrong Type of Superfluous  Mobile Phone Conversation

“And if a bus is free from chavs and pregnant women then silence reigns.” Until a mobile phone goes off. At this point the public transport user often forgets themself and begins to rant, swear, and become really rather loud.

Particularly annoying habits include Cybil Fawlty impersonations, “Oh, I knowwww….”, all of a sudden going deaf but determindley sticking the conversation out, “Wot!? I can’t ‘ear yer! Wot!? I can’t ‘ear yer! Wot?!”, and heading off into needless profanity, “Fuck me! He said WOT?!”.