Batman: The Dark Knight Rises

Batman’s gone OTT for the dramatic trilogy closer.

Next month the eagerly anticipated Batman trilogy comes to a stirring end. Not much is known about the script other than Batman’s in it fighting off bad guys the only way Batman can – with a gruff voice and lots of fisticuffs. Professional Moron’s Mr. Wapojif (that’s me) was certainly blown away by The Dark Knight back in 2008. The first one’s pretty good, too, so let’s see if The Dark Knight Rises can deliver some oomph to an already oomphed up series. We’re excited. It can’t be anywhere near as disappointing as the largely rubbish Prometheus, of course. You can see Batman in cinemas from July 20th onwards. That’s 2012, guy, not 2013. And not 2011, otherwise it would already be out! You silly sausage.

Director Christopher Nolan (not in any way related to the Nolan Sisters) has been tight lipped about this project, and the largely unrevealing trailers have been largely unrevealing. So we had a good long think about what we would like to see in the film. Anything’s possible.

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HOW embarrassing for Batman.

We’d be very chuffed if Leonardo DiCaprio had a cameo. Although he’s been off filming The Great Gatsby and J. Edgar in the hope he can bag himself an Oscar, the Inception star certainly has the right edgy, belligerent edginess to him for Batman. We could see him playing a swindling version of his Titanic character Jack. Many a gooey eyed young girl fell in love with Leo back in 1997 as Jack and Rose fell in love before falling off a great big ship. Of course this version of Jack would be a bit of a nutcase; frozen for 100 years in the icy depths, the iceberg containing his frozen corpse thaws and, having had nuclear fusion fuse through him over the amounted time, it’s a very pumped up Leo ready to get his revenge on the Brits, rich Americans, and Billy Zane. And why not? We’d want to have a word with that Zane guy ourselves and demand that he rectify his vile demeanour from the Titanic film. I say!

Batman is one tough son of a bitch.

Of course, being rational, it’s unlikely Leo’s in there. Christian Bale is in it, though, playing the anti-hero lead. Once again the guy’s beefed himself up to play the muscular lead, having last played emaciated, sinewy drug addict guy in The Fighter. This is, of course, after he beefed himself up after losing a drastic amount of weight for The Machinest. To do that he simply didn’t eat anything for weeks on end. All in all Mr. Bale’s not doing his health any good so it’s no wonder he’s calling it quits. So, no more gruff voiced Batman after this. In about 20 years, when we’re all bathed in 3D headsets rather than those stupid 3D glasses, we’ll probably get a new version directed by a 70 year old Tom Cruise. We’re putting good money on that.

Hot stuff.

Perhaps Tom Cruise will have a cameo as Les Grossman, last seen shaking his booty at an awards ceremony. It seems unlikely as humour isn’t really part of the Batman film series. It’s all about brutality, shock, awe, and cheese. Yes, one thing that has been announced is the sponsored placements of Cheddar Cheese throughout the film. Christoper Nolan chirruped; “We doubt this will alter our viewer’s experience of the film, and to maximise their enjoyment each cinema goer will receive a free scratch and sniff cheese card to enjoy whilst watching. BORK BORK BORK!” However, what Nolan did hint at is that Batman’s “not in the best shape” for the series closer. That’s a truthful quote, not like the last one which we made up. Based on this we can expect a thoroughly Lard Arse Batman to be strutting his stuff. We should imagine the first hour of the film will be about Batman needing to lose 10 stone so he can actually walk again. We can’t wait!

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