Why Do The British Complain About The Weather?

Tlaloc the Rain God. Also known as “That bloke”.

It’s been wet and windy for most of the British summer (apart from 2 weeks of heatwaving weather) and many are grumbling about the bad luck we’ve had. The Brits… complaining?!?!?! Who’d have thunk it? Here at Professional Moron we actually like the dodgy weather as it really hammers home what it means to be English. It also keeps the chavs indoors and forces other people to be reasonably well dressed rather than our poor eyes having to endure any of THIS.

To other people around the world it may seem odd that English folk get so hepped up about a bit of rain; we don’t have to deal with hurricanes, earthquakes, plague, tornados, volcanos, Godzilla, Santa Claus or Doomsday Devices. Despite having a merry time of it as soon as a bit of drizzle clogs up the airwaves then good old True Brit Grit kicks in with relentless pessimism and comments such as, “Cold this time of year, isn’t it?” and “Nice weather we’re having!!!!”. We feel it’s about time the weather got a bit of an explanation. Read on, Macduff.

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Your eyes are wrong. This stuff isn’t actually there.

There is a theory, known as Aboogywoogyboo, that rain doesn’t exist and is actually a figment of bored Brits letting their brains wander about all over the place due to a lack of scones. Professional Moron would like to state we do not believe this theory, but we do support, and heartily endorse, it as, frankly, we think there is ample evidence that rain does not exist at all. For a start just consider this; if it were real then why aren’t we all living under water? What, you think the rain just sort of gets sapped up by the Earth? Take a look at the Earth. It’s not very spongelike, is it? Do you think SpongeBob Squarepants exists due to the adverse weather conditions? No he does not! Therefore we would like to postulate that the British weather is in fact the work of an evil genius who projects images onto England with some sort of weird cosmic, vast Overhead Projector.

A happy chappy.

Now if none of what you have just read makes any real sense then perhaps you should start eating more fish. It’s good brain food, you see. As we mentioned we neither endorse nor condone the theory, we just heartily accept it. Kind of like some other conspiracy theories, myths and legends we have come across over the years. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if the Abominable Snowman lived in your local mountain range. With Bigfoot? And they really, REALLY got on and had little children they’d have to call Abominable Feet. It would be awesome but we also feel like this could bring about the destruction of the entire Earth.

Please note; this is not Elvis.

On a final note, we would like to mention we support the notion that Elvis is alive and well and running an Exotic Pet Store in Wolverhampton. Whilst this isn’t supported by any evidence whatsoever we just like the idea. Going into this smelly pet store with birds tweeting (perhaps on Twitter?) and fish doing their “Bob?” thing and then there’s Elvis with slickback hair standing behind the counter giving his “Uh-huh-huh!” thing before bursting into one of his numbers.

On an extra final note we’d like to say we support the environment and so do not agree with blank spaces on pages like this. You have been warned, Professional Moron!

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