Europe Explained to Non-Europe Folk

A map. Of Earth. Where we all live. Innit.

We know a lot of people aren’t from Europe. Probably about 50 million or something. We’re Europeans (English), and the Professional Moron staff spent the 17th to the 23rd blasting around different nations like they didn’t exist. Which they do. Santa told us so, and Santa knows best. Regardless of this misinformation we did actually travel around Europe; England, France, Belgium, Holland, and Germany got our perspective and, frankly, we fell in love. Call us jaded (or Susan) if you must but there’s something about traditional Europe that just makes our brains nod. And why? As it’s ace, a-thank-you-very-much. Just look at the recent past; Jimi Hendrix was struggling for fame until he moved to England. 42 years later and we’re more in need of Mr. Hendrix than ever before. Achtung!

Right, so what’s this aimless ramble about? Well, sir or madame, it’s about Europe. You’re not from Europe? GREAT! Here’s a chance to understand some stuff about it.

———————

Europe was invented by God in 1756 around about the time Mozart decided (at 3 weeks of age) to pen his latest work of genius. Europe is made up of many nations; Denmark, Wales, France, Japan (oops, sorry, this isn’t in Europe), Wales, Japan (we would like to state Japan is not in Europe), China, America, Japan, Wales, Japan and Japan. However, we’d like to cover the nations we visited during out sojourn. Innit.

France

That’s Mr. Penguin to you, sir!

France is famous for food and the French language. Words such as “bonjour” may appear confusing but they actually mean stuff like “Y’oreet?!” and “‘ey up!!!”. This translates into English chav talk in the following way; Hello = “WOTTHEFUCKEKRKGFNing?”, Excuse me sir, but could you please excuse yourself? “WORREVADUHFOOkin?!?!??!”, Are you a chav with a staggeringly low IQ? “EHhhhhh?!!!?!??!”.

This country came about after Marie Antoinette decided that cake just wasn’t the way forward. Her famous quote of, “You know what? I think I’d prefer a Pot Noodle!” went down in legend as the moment Pot Noodles were invented.

Belgium

Beautiful Belgium.

This country is well known for its use of cheese, jam, haggis, cheese, and jam. And who can blame them? We all love cheese. We all love jam. The most popular Belgian phrase is; “Excuse me sir, but could you please remove this Cheese and Jam sandwich from my local vicinity?”. Belgians speak French so this translates as, “BONJOUR! Je suis desole parceque le fromage avec le JAM est un merde.

Germany

Germany. Awesome.

This country has a population of 17 billion rabbits and each of these rabbits is called “ACHTUNG!”. Such is the rabbit problem that the Germans like to promote an interest in beer, sausage, and beer. The result? An amazing country with some awesome cities and towns. Wicked.

Holland

A windmill in action, madame!

Holland is ace. Just look at that picture. A sunset and a windmill. C’est tres bien!

England

Innit.

The intense stupidity of chavs doesn’t need explaining here. It’s just really rather obvious. Except to chavs.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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