IT’S THE OLYMPICS! OMG! As if any human being could possibly ever have not noticed we are in the midst of steroid pumping weirdos doing their bit for their respective nations. Quite why we should celebrate these freaks as they run in a straight line for 100m in 10 seconds I don’t know, I mean Professional Moron’s Mr. Wapojif (that’s me) can run that far in about 16 seconds so why aren’t I worshipped on a slightly lower level? The mind boggles!
Anyway we’re pretty bored of Olympic events in general. Call us bitter, jaded saddos if you wish but we fail to see the point in wasting £24 billion on something as stupid as running about a bit. Apart from the Pole Vault, which is just so damn stupid it gets elevated to aceness. Anyway, if you wish to join us you can take part in YOUR OWN PERSONAL (this is tautology) Olympics in your own personal living with your own personal pets and your own personal friends. Indeed.
Pretty straight forward this one. You and your competitors take turns in seeing how far you can hurl your television set across your living room. And why not? There’s usually never anything on television. And the good stuff that is on can be watched on stuff like… well we’re not going to offer any free advertising to the streaming film services here. Such as Lovefilm. Oh… damn!
You’ll need some spatulas for this. Sellotape them together and then, with as big a run up as possible, DRIVE the giant spatula into the carpet and launch yourself over something like a table. Or a television stand. If you haven’t smashed your TV set yet then this would be even more daring! Awesome!
Buy as much cheese as you possibly can. Then, in the space of 5 minutes, eat as much as you possibly can. It doesn’t matter how gross you look as you mush the stuff into your face – you simply have to pride yourself on the knowledge you could end up finishing fourth or something. It’s the taking part that counts.
Kidney Bean Tin Lifting
Kidney Bean tins have often REALLY weighed down our Bag For Life on the way home from the local store. We figure if a man could lift, say, 70 of these things (glued together, of course) then he could be classed as one strong man indeed. So, experiment with weight sizes to find just how far you’re willing to go for Gold!
Everyone knows that haggis is the heart, lungs, liver, kidney, ears, hoofs, cheese, and shed of a sheep boiled in its stomach. We all know how disgusting that is. So instead of eating this weird meat combination why not turn it into an Olympic event? Pretty easy to get what it’s going to be about from the title. Get your haggis. Fling it as far as possible. Whoever loses has to it it. Raw!
110m Spontaneous Combustion Hurdles
The 110m Hurdles is possibly the most laughably stupid event in the history of time. Even more weird and futile than that ridiculous annual Cheese Rolling event in Greater Manchester (contestants run down a very steep hill, gaining bad injuries along the way, after a roll of cheese). Spontaneous Combustion is also a bit of a conversation killer, so why not combine the two? Olympeans must hurtle across the living room bounding over chairs – the first person to spontaneously combust wins the Gold. Huzzah!
The big event itself! The one people have been waiting years, and spending thousands of moolah, to see is the 1000m Yodel. You and the other contestants must prepare yourself heartily for this with stretches and such; then you must run around your living room for 1000m shrieking hysterically (also known as yodeling) until you either; a) all die, b) the police arrive after several complaints from angry neighbours, or c) you all complete the 1000m. Good luck!