How To Boil An Egg

Mr (or Mrs.) Happy Egg! Hurrah!

Delia Smith once, so very famously, “did” an episode of her famous television programme “Delia’s Hooligan Express!” with an aside about how to boil an egg. Now if you don’t know who Delia Smith is here’s an explanation; she’s effectively The Queen of the cooking world. Not due to her brilliance, she’s just very much like The Queen; she has as much character as a dead rat and the charm of an itchy walrus. We also disagree with her notions on boiling a perfect egg.

This was Delia’s concept; One places the egg into the bowl and the water boils. Take it out, make toasted soilders as dips, use Premium Strength Lager to marinade the toast, add a dollop of marmite and caviar, and VOILA! My recipe – De Egg Avec Un Grande Sac de Merde.

Here is our much better recipe.

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The thing about Boiled Eggs is that they’re actually a real pain to cook. Boil water, place egg in boiling water, wait, get the soilders right. There’s always that one soilder at the end that doesn’t dip in properly. Okay so not a real pain, but they’re not exactly a fast food for a Fast Food Nation. Not that we actually eat any fast food… unless you consider cheese as a fast food. Other than that we actually eat proper food, dammit! We also know how to boil an egg. So, Delia, pay attention and follow this simple, and possibly slightly psychotic, guide:

It won’t be pleasant getting there, but this is what you’ll end up with.

1 – Let rip with a mortifying scream and punch the wall nearest to you with unrestrained anguish,

2 – Seize some eggs furiously from your hapless fridge,

3 – Stare at them for a few minutes laughing hysterically,

4 – Take an egg or two, place them in a pan. Add water. Turn gas/electricity on. Let boil for 6 minutes roaring wildly and beating your chest with your hands as you wait,

5 – Hurtle to your living room. Kick your television in and jump up and down on the shattered remains,

6 – Dash back to your kitchen. Remove boiled eggs from pan. Place eggs in eggs cups. Put toast in toaster. Toast. Let rip with profanities directed at the toaster as you wait for your toast to toast.

7 – Karate chop your kitchen work surface in impatience,

8 – Spread maragine over toast and slice into “soldiers”,

9 – Sit down and furiously consume the meal within 30 seconds,

10 – Sit back and survey the scene of destruction. Feel proud.

Or, perhaps, just get these ready made boiled eggs from your nearest supermarket.

“You mean we didn’t have to destroy our kitchen? Drat and double drat!”

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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