Lots of companies make some weird claims about their products – we’re not going to list any of them here for legal reasons, but we will allude to them in an overt manner. You will have to use your brains to connect the dots. Others just make a sort of “whoop dee doo” type bit of catchiness, we shall explain with some of our creations; “Shop at Pestco, where every little yelps”. As you can see this one claim is a bit weird. Why does every little yelp? A saving of a yelp or two? Meantime giant superstores like Pestco pump endless CO2 into the atmosphere, clog the oceans with plastic bags, drain the land of sustenance, and spray all the food we buy with pesticides. A hypocritical corporate machine? You betcha! Boy, we’re in revolutionary form today!
But we also like supermarkets – shopping is now convenient and it offers the community with an array of new jobs. We use them for our shops and they sell all the Ecover cleaning products we can never find anywhere else. For you see, at Professional Moron we actually recycle everything. Even our stray eyelashes get turned into intergalactic space rays, whilst office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf hamster lives in biodegradable sawdust and only breaths when it’s really vital. To save on CO2 emissions, you see. Despite all this we’re still pretty miffed with how awful company mottos can be. It’s a cowardly way of saying “you all must buy this shit, alright?!” but with informal platitudes reeking of spurious goodness. So, we scrape away the BS and offer hope and glory to the latest generation of business freaks.
Bed Rules gives you springs!
This is not stolen off any famous carbonated sugary weirdo drink and has sprung forth from our ever vacuous brain like a leaking tap leaks drips of watery goodness. A bed selling company with a a slogan like that would storm the bed market. We can see the advert now; kids bouncing on bed springs as adoring, moronic parents gaze on with stupid great big bloody smiles. One kid slips and smashes himself unconscious on a nearby cupboard. Most excellent, indeed!
Mars Donkey Dot Com!
Again, this was not stolen from any sort of creative card making company to do with the Moon. Mars Donkey offers creative donkeys to be delivered to your farm – have yours spray painted bright yellow with an enormous ruddy great big afro hair do. Mars Donkey would also allow you to shave slogans into the side of the beast, such as, “Yeah, we sell stuff. Good, eh?”
I’m Shovelling It!
Yeah! Shovelling stuff is great fun. All you need is a big old spade and some mud and, presto hey, you have a fantastic job for hairy builders with bum cleavage to do! There’s nothing quite like seeing an unattractive builder bloke putting his arse into getting that mud shifted somewhere else. Charles Darwin would be so proud! Anyway, this company would be about shovelling stuff all over the place. Great, non? And after a hard day of work you can go to McDonalds for your dinner.
Nars Bar: Death, Disease, Destruction
Some people like an accurate twist on modern life. With the Nars Bar (made out of 100% unreal chocolate) provides just that, and the catchy slogan reminds of all of the destructive nature of humankind. Bless!
Establishment: If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join an establishment which caters appropriately to this desire.
This is slightly verbose but we feel it gets the message across. It’s informative and hard hitting; the reader will think, “Cripes! I need to get a biscuit with a larger than normal amount of chocolate on! This Establishment bar is almost certainly for me! Huzzah!”