Thanks to the internet absolutely everyone can be a published writer these days. You sprawl out whatever guff enters your skull and then e-publish your novel! Some people have had up to 80 books published thanks to the World Wide Web. Now, unfortunately, the majority of these books are absolutely ruddy awful (look who’s talking, eh?). Not that traditionally published novels are any better, of course. BUT! The point is anyone who enjoys writing can now also enjoy self publishing their work and feeling all happy about it. We sincerely think it’s a great thing. It also avoids moronic periods of time being wasted attempting to get print published; fabulous writers such as Jack Kerouac and George Orwell had a nightmare time of it.
Today we’re doing a self-help post on book ideas. If you’ve got writers block and need some ideas then we’re your dudes (although office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster is female, so a dudette). Read on, lucky reader!
The Mongoose, the Hairdresser and the Shed – A hairdresser, bored with her daily existence of asking customers “Where you goin’ on yer ‘olidays?”, heads into her garden shed to drink herself into oblivion. However, inside she finds a special passageway to a magical world ruled by a violent and tyrannical Mongoose Overlord called Cyril. Can she save the day? Obviously this is not even remotely inspired by The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
On The Pavement – A youthful traveller with lots of youthful energy, youthful lusts for women, drugs, and drink, hits the pavements of his local council estate around Chorley to discover the sights and sounds of this culturally oblivious little Lancashire town.
1985 – In a dystopian, authoritarian state, Winston Churchill must find out what happened to his favourite cigars and expensive champagne collection. On his travels he dismisses marauding proletariats as “insipid blighters” and gives the rude hand gestures. The government, increasingly angered by his antics, seek to shut him up. The battle for freedom of speech commences!
Shooting a Donkey – This would be the sequel to George Orwell’s “Shooting an Elephant”, except the main sections of this novella would be spent explaining how you had to describe to local authorities why you deemed it necessary to gun down a donkey.
One Flew Over The Raptor’s Nest – In a prehistoric world, where dinosaurs roam as free as the wind, a bird flying over a raptor’s nest has a dizzy spell and lands in this dreaded environment. The raptors, in a generous turn, decide to raise the bird as one of their own. This is a moving tale of different species mingling successfully.
Catcher In The Pie – A baker, fed up of thieves stealing his pies, decides to take matters into his own hands. Arming himself with his finest butchers knives, he proceeds to massacre his entire town. The second half of this great novel would be spent examining how the baker could find some sort of retribution for his criminal acts.
The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Shed – The latest bunch of amazing tales from neurologist Oliver Sacks.
Of Mice and Women – A women’s lib movement become increasingly irritated by the mice infestation currently populating their headquarters. Not wanting to ask misogynist men for any help, they set about taking their problem into their own hands via shotguns, chainsaws, threatening leaflet campaigns, and by leaving cheese about outside.
The Girl With The Ingrowing Toenail – A new edition to Stieg Larsson’s popular series sees our protagonist having numerous hospital visits to have the problematic nail removed.
50 Types of Cake – In this tale an ugly, fat, balding man called Steve decides to seduce the woman of his dreams with 50 different types of cake. Will he succeed in his quest? Guaranteed to, mindlessly and without reason, be an international bestseller.
The Old Man and the Key – An old man keeps forgetting where he’s put the backdoor key to his house. Guaranteed to win you the Nobel Prize in Literature.
To Kill A Squawking Bird – The owner of a particularly verbose bird decides to do away with the beast. How can she do it without incurring the wrath of the local animal rights group, whose manager is her very best friend? Pulitzer Prize Winner for sure, this. Plus a film adaptation starring Gregory Peck.