Some of us are aware English standards, particularly amongst the youth of today, are be a bit on the awful side. I, Mr. Wapojif, have likened it to the condition of a dead rat.

And a dead rat that’s been rotting for some time—stuffed fulled of wriggling maggots and ponging a bit. Mummy nature is about to take hold of this corpse and use it to propel itself further into perpetuity. This is the state of English usage. Just look at lol and roflmao.

It’s gotten so rotten it’s about time the elders took control. Not that we are elders. Plus we’re morons (just check out the blog title, guy), but we do no an thing oar too about the right use of language. Indeed.

It’s down to this reasoning which we have decided upon ourselves to educate us all on the true excellence and importance of the language.

So, hold onto your hats, your wigs, and your dentures, cos this be are guide to how to write proper.

The Basics: Grammar

As we all no, grammar is tough. We can forgive the kids for messing up their there they’re their and that stuff.

But we must HAMMER home the importance of you’re your you’re and yours. We shall now provide an example of what a proper sentence should look like. Behold:

“Jack postulated the precocious nature of the cabbage patch; his notion pertained to aforementioned possibilities of it being far too egregious. Henceforth, Jack designated his perplexities on life and regarded the cabbage pitch with such awe and residual disdain. Few who saw him deigned his expressions to be nothing more than a nationalistic and non-erudite vegetables.”

Punctuation

We don’t know much about punctuation, we just guess as we go along. You’ll have to study this bit yourselves.

Prepositions

Never end a sentence with a preposition. Just because, alright? This is what it would look like, “And they lived happily ever after.”

Oh, hang on that’s not a good example. All right, try this on for size, “And they lived happily ever without.” See? Complete mayhem.

This is why true professionals steer clear of ending sentences with the Big P for Preposition. In ancient times, anyone found ending sentences like this would be flayed alive with a thesaurus.

Sentences

Sentences are legendary as, without them, you just have a collection of letters and words.

The important thing to remember about the mighty sentence is that they often need segregating as they can get quite violent with each other.

A sentence in the wild is an unpredictable beast, so to solve this problem humans have taken to using paragraphs.

Whenever the situation starts to lose control quickly hit the “enter” button on your keyboard, or skip down a few centimetres if you’re using pen/pencil/quill/mandible.

Parenthesis

The legendary brackets! Here at Professional Moron we totally love them. The amazing thing about parenthesis is how you can “do an Inception” with them by going a bracket, within a bracket, within a bracket.

For the ultra-daring you can take that final step into Inception and do the final bracket within a bracket, within a bracket etc.

Conclusion on English Grammar

There you go then, all you need to know about English. We hope you use it wisely and write some Nobel Prize winning literature. Get on with it!