The Professional Moron Guide to English

This, sir and madames, is William Shakespeare. Indeed.

Some of us are aware English standards, particularly amongst the yoof of today, are be a bit on the awful side. I, Mr. Wapojif, have likened it to the condition of a dead rat. And a dead rat that’s been rotting for some time; stuffed fulled of wriggling maggots and ponging a bit. Mummy nature is about to take hold of this corpse and use it to propel itself further into perpuity – this is the state of English usage. It’s gotten so rotten it’s about time the elders took control. Not that we are elders. Plus we’re morons (just check out the blog title, guy), but we do no an thing oar too about the right use of language. Indeed. It is down to this reasoning which we have decided upon ourselves to educate us all on the true excellence and importance of the language.

SO! Hold onto your hats, your wigs, and your dentures, cos this be are guide to how to write proper!

——————–

The Basics: Grammer

Weasels are great spellers!

As we all no, grammer is tough. We can forgive the kids for messing up their there they’re their and thears, but we must HAMMER home the importance of you’re your you’re and yours. We shall now provide an example of what a proper sentence should look like. Behold:

“Jack postulated the precocious nature of the cabbage patch; his notion pertained to aforementioned possibilties of it being for too egregious. Henceforth, Jack desognated his perplexities on life and regarded the cabbage pitch with such awe and residual disdain. Few who saw him deigned his expressions to be nothing more than an accourtement of anomalistic and non-erudite vegetables.”

However, this is how a child of 10-15 would write the above sentence:

“jack we’re a bit fick sow he fought dat duh best fing 2 du wud b 2 get summit 4 duh cabbage wot wiv duh veg bein a bit shit n dat innit geez LOL roflmao!!!!!”

Punctuation

Nothing to see hear.

We don’t know much about punctuation, we just guess as we go along. You’ll have to study this bit yourselves.

Prepositions

Innit, geez.

Never end a sentence with a preposition. Just because, alright? This is what it would look like; “And they lived happily ever after.” Oh, hang on that’s not a good example. Alright, try this on for size: “And they lived happily ever without.” See? Complete mayhem. This is why true professionals steer clear of ending sentences with the Big P for Preposition. In ancient times, anyone found ending sentences like this would be flayed alive with a thesaurus.

Sentences

Spam?

Sentences are legendary as, without them, you just have a collection of letters and words. The important thing to remember about the mighty sentence is that they often need segregating as they can get quite violent with each other. A sentence in the wild is an unpredictable beast, so to solve this problem humans have taken to using paragraphs. Whenever the situation starts to lose control quickly hit the “enter” button on your keyboard, or skip down a few centrimetres if you’re using pen/pencil/quill/mandabile.

Parenthesis

Awesome!

The legendary brackets! Here at Professional Moron we totally love them. The amazing thing about parenthetisesez is how you can “do an Inception” with them by going a bracket, within a bracket, within a bracket. For the ultra-daring you can take that final step into Inception and do the final bracket within a bracket, within a bracket etc. Here’s an example:

“Today we got a bit lost (actually we didn’t really it was alright but my boyfriend is such a moron I hate his guts (actually I love him really as he’s really hot but he’s just a bit boring (actually he’s a misognistic pleb with the intellect of a braying donkey (but he is really fit he’s a total dreamboat (but he thinks Nazi Germany was really great, which is a bit of an alarm bell))))) but then we got unlost again.”

Conclusion

Occlusion with Isobars.

There you go then, all you need to know about English. We hope you use it wisely and write some Nobel Prize winning literature. Get on with it!

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